I’m gonna take some flak for this post because, frankly, it’s a sexist perspective. I know that. I’m all for you trying to change my mind. Well, here goes…
A couple of weeks ago, my husband had innocently scrawled “soap bars” on my grocery list, so I headed to Walmart thinking I’d have a thirty second stop in the health and beauty aisles (cue the hillbilly music).
Okay, before you misunderstand, I am all about choices and variety. We’re Americans, we expect options. One size does not fit all. And that’s a good thing. But here’s where that train goes off the track for me.
I like men simple.
By that I don’t mean unintelligent. Au contraire! A man’s brain is the sexiest “part” he has. What I mean by simple is uncomplicated. Unconcerned about little details like….
Soap fragrances. Dude.
Did you know that besides standard soap bars men now have liquid soap in about two dozen different fragrances? And that’s just at Walmart.
But wait, I thought, let’s go with this. So I started sniffing a few of Old Spice’s offerings: Playmaker, Denali, and Swagger (I damn near swiped that bottle just for the name!). Next came Axe’s more sexualized choices: Excite, Anarchy, Phoenix, Dark Temptation, Snake Peel, Tai Massage…Rise…(Snicker. Snort. Yes, my mind is in the gutter, yours is, too, don’t judge.)
Five minutes and four strange looks from Walmart employees later, my nose hairs are freaking fried. I can just imagine what they’re saying about me in the security camera room. All y’all keep an eye on the head case in aisle 14 sniffing soap bottles. She’s got a big ass purse. Can you tell if her eyes are bloodshot? Oh, look, she’s taking pictures. Make another pass to see if she smells like hooch.
This is stupid, I tell myself, ready to just grab that damn box of Zest bars and be done with it.
But then my eyes fall on One. Last. Bottle. A gorgeous red and gray – RIBBED – bottle. It must be fate because it’s called…..
Wait for it….
Yes! The clear winner! It smells awesome, and the kicker? It’s “attraction enhancing” and “pheromone infused.”
Oh, yeah! I put that baby in the cart with a smirk, started to roll away, and then slowed just before I turned the corner. My shoulders dropped and the cart wheels stopped squeaking as I thought…
Do I really want my man wearing something that ATTRACTS other women?
No. No, no, no. Just no.
I rolled backwards. Put it back on the shelf.
But then I thought, well, even if they are attracted, they still can’t have him. He’s mine. Mine, all mine (cue evil laugh). Who says a girl can’t do a little chest thumpin’ now and then?
Still a little confused, but willing to think about it for the duration of my shopping, I threw it in the cart a little too forcefully (ok, I really chucked it) and the cover flurped open spraying pheromone-infused BLOOD RED goo all over the milk jug, yogurt, and birthday cards.
After wiping off as much of the red attraction-enhancing slime as possible, I looked down at the innocent boxes of plain soap.
And grabbed one of those too.
THIS is what happens when you give men too many choices for inconsequential consumer products. Their women – who do all the household shopping—go bat shit crazy. (If your man shops for himself, count yourself lucky!)
The best part of this whole sad tale is that even after hearing how much loving attention I poured into his simple request, my husband just looked at the fancy bottle, rolled his eyes, and reached for the box of humble soap bars.
After his shower, he smelled like heaven.
So yes, call me sexist, but I like my man simple.
What do you think of all these consumer choices nowadays? Is it only right that men get as many options as women?