Prettying Your Petunia – Yes, that’s what I mean.

Fair warning in case you missed the innuendo: The following post is about girlie part landscaping and beautification. Mature content ahead. So if you are a prude have delicate sensibilities or are underage, I suggest you go away explore another blog. Just be sure to come back next week.

Still here? Great! 

If you’re still with me out of sheer curiosity, I can just imagine what many of you are probably thinking, “What? I’m too old for this shit.”

No. You’re. Not.

If you’re sexually active, age is irrelevant.

I’m not trying to be flip when I say I don’t understand why this is such a taboo topic. For one thing, if you don’t pay attention to your hoo ha – and yes, I mean, actually LOOK down there, mirror and all – how do you expect to know when something isn’t normal? It’s really okay. Just lock the door and get friendly with your bad self.

Secondly, if you don’t take an active interest in this area, why should your partner? Let me say that again….If you don’t take an active interest (read: keep it pretty), why should your partner?

If you prefer to leave yourself natural, that’s great. But you still need to…tidy up a bit. No one likes an unruly bush. Bad, bad curb appeal.

OMG, wait, unless you’re this guy(I can’t post a nice, drool-worthy sized picture here, I could get in big ass copyright trouble. Click his thumbnail to go check him out on the JustJared site, then hurry on back.)

Jesus. As in Jesus Luz, Brazilian model. He’s effin’ hot, right?

You’re welcome. :)

So…choices, choices. Even if you already “maintain” yourself, maybe it’s time to try something new. A new shave or wax job? An adornment? Whatever you try, it can completely change your perspective. And your sex life. Think about it. Lavishing attention on your girlie parts automatically makes you feel more sexual. Like you have a lil’ present in your panties. ‘Cause, well, you do.

So anyway, several months ago, I was ready for a change. I asked around and found out a friend of mine shaves the *whole* southern belle. At first I was like WTF? You put a razor way down where?! Then I was like…That’s interesting. I wasn’t totally feelin’ it going completely bare, but I was open to it since her man really likes it. So I put the option out there to see what DH thought. As usual he didn’t leave me guessing. His response, “What the hell would you do that for?”

Alrighty then. Guess I don’t need to even consider a Full Brazilian. (For those not entirely sure, a Full Brazilian wax removes hair from the labia, perineum, and, if you happen to have it there, the bum crack. It’s also known as the Hollywood and the Sphynx. Haha. Bet you’ll never look at a hairless cat the same way again.)

On to Plan B.

The Landing Strip, AKA the traditional Brazilian. Yes, use your imagination and you’ll know what this is. (You heard the twin engines of a plane just now, didn’t you?) A vertical strip one or two fingers wide with hair only about a ¼ inch long, this little patch is SEXY!

Other options include shaving shapes: a heart with the bottom part pointing to, well, you know (Happy Valentine’s Day, l-l-lover!); a tear drop; a small downward pointing triangle; rising sun, initials…The options are only limited by your creativity. You could even dye the hair with a home coloring kit. Imagine how you could keep your partner intrigued. Maybe you wanna be the canvas and let your partner be the artist? Bow-chicka-wow-wow…

My tips for at-home shaving: Trim excess first. Then take a warm shower or bath. Next, apply shaving cream to the area you plan to prettify. Afterwards, exfoliate and moisturize. This will keep your skin happy and bump-free.

But wait, we’re not done. What about pelvic cradle adornments? Is this getting good or what?

Vajazzling/Vajeweling

Va-what?! This is actually a dumb ass name because the location of the adornment has nothing to do with the vajajay. Basically it’s applying stick-on gems to the skin in the cradle of your hips or right above your pubic bone, usually after a wax job since the skin stays hair-free longer that way. Here’s a video that shows you how to Vajewel at home, courtesy of Bryce Gruber of TheLuxurySpot.com.

Another option is Vattooing.

Again, another stupid name for a super fun option. Temporary tattoos are stenciled and/or airbrushed onto whatever secret or not-so-secret spot you chose. This is a playful (albeit expensive) option if you go on a warm-weather vacation and wanna show a little skin. Okay, maybe a lot of skin. Just know it’s only gonna last up to five days. Here’s another LuxurySpot.com link to show what this is like. (The tattoo artist says, “I would just avoid friction if you can..?” WTF?!)

Finally, if you really want to go all out, you could try the Foxy Bikini: faux fur applied to the bikini area after a wax treatment that lasts around 3 – yes, 3 days, folks. Around $140. This one makes me giggle. Think fuzzy pink bunny tail. Ka-Pow!

Or the Carnivale Bikini (scroll down on the previous link to see it), which uses…you guessed it…colorful feathers. This’ll only set you back about $110. Finally, if you find a style you want long term and you have the coin, you could just go with laser hair removal and never have to think about all this wunder down under business again. :)

So go ahead, have fun and express your sexy self. For your partner. But mostly for yourself.

What options intrigue you? What have I left out?

Comments

  1. This is such a great post. I love seeing these pop up in my email box. You’ve given me a couple of ideas for a story and well let’s face a couple of ideas for myself. Although I refuse to wax my girlie bits, getting my eyebrows done makes my eyes water, but it is neatly groomed. I wonder if the DH would like to see some vajazzle?

  2. Jo-Ann Carson says:

    Misty
    Great post. Informative and fun. Just the thought of a Brazilian makes me cross my legs. Ouch.
    Jo-Ann

  3. “Lil’ present in you panties.” T-shirts must be made.

  4. My, my my! I’m actually feeling more sexy just thinking about it . . . Just saying!

  5. Full Brazillian? Not a chance unless I’ve been given an epidural. I can’t even stand having my legs waxed. But maybe I’ll shock my DH with some vattoing. And should I even touch on the picture of Luz that you posted! Damn! I’ll stop here before I start typing nonsensical ramblings about him. Another entertaining post from the chick swagger gals! Hugs, Renee

    • Luz….I KNOW, right?! Effing off the charts HOT!

      And an epidural for a Full…LMAO! I know you’re tough, Renee! Whoever coined the expression “having balls” certainly never walked a mile in a woman’s shoes… :)

      Hugs back! misty

  6. I want to vajazzle!! I love anything bedazzled lol

  7. jerridrennen says:

    I think I’m a prude because this subject was a bit hard to read for me, Misty.

  8. Oh my, how “interesting”! I love glitz…and feathers…hoo-ha! lol!:) I am definitely going to try “some” of this…probably the vazazzle…I think you can get “overs” with it if you get it stuck on there wrong:):) I’ve got to tell you, my hubby would love this… (oops, too much information???:):) Ah well, it’s just us gals!

    Wanna do lunch?!

    Lo

  9. I can’t stop laughing. Thanks, Misty!

  10. Bookworm says:

    OMG!

    Misty you ‘NEVAH-EVAH’ fail to educate and amuse!
    This post brought to mind the first time my DH had to help me “maintain” (during my recovery from Guillain-Barre syndrome) and how proud he was of his ‘work’ :) Kept telling me he got so good at it, may as well open up a business …Don’s Beaver-Cleaver Design…

    Wait ’till I show him your post :)

    Mel

  11. Mary Roya says:

    OMG! That was just too funny. I just recently got my first Full Brazillian. And I loved it. I didn’t know about the extra fancies you could add. Going have to get the hubby’s credit card….going to the salon now. Bye…

  12. I am laughing just as hard at everyone’s comments as I am at Misty’s post. I am not going to share what I have all done to make my petunia pretty, but let’s just say it has involved a stranger and a salon. But I think my hubby would think I’ve truly lost my mind if I came home with feathers “down there” . hahaha. To each her own, right? Thanks for all the tips on grooming!

    • Hi Mandy! A stranger and a salon…are you sure you’re not another romantic suspense writer like a lot of us? LOL. Yes, to each her own…but I’ve learned that sometimes other people’s ideas are worth a try. At least once, anyway. :D

  13. I love your DH’s answer to your question about modifying your petunia patch. Very funny. I honesty picture ladies using craft glue to add feather and jewels to their “planter boxes”.

    • Hahaha! Craft glue…hot wax…it’s all the same, right? LOL Yeah, my man is very straightforward and wonderfully simple. I love that about him. I drive him crazy a lot. :D

  14. Sue Swift/Suz deMello says:

    The extreme version of prettying your petunia (womanscaping :) is plastic surgery. I am not making this up–seriously, I can’t make this stuff up, and I’m a writer with an overactive imagination.

  15. OMG love this post – so funny. And informative. I never knew this stuff was going on. AND I’ve never heard of Jesus Luz but holy crap – nice! Thanks for sharing all this.

    • Kylie, welcome to the wunders down under!! Don’t worry, we’ll dispense with your innocence in no time! LOL. I hope you explore at least a few of these fun options! Thanks for chimin’ in! :D

  16. Josie Matthews says:

    Ok Swagger Girls…I’m in the petunia patch! Couldn’t wait to get home from work to be able to respond to my partner’s awesome post! I love this! Without knowing about this post, I just came home from my own ‘trifecta’ … brows, lip, and … lab! Only a modified brazilian because my fruity ‘waxologist’ says its just not right for a grown woman’s ‘na-na’ to look like a five-year-old’s. I keep threatening to switch butchers and she keeps threatening to charge for a full leg wax PLUS the bikini wax!!! (Hey….I’m italian, what can I say!)
    My DH is DYING for me to try the full brazilian but I haven’t quite mustered the guts. My girlfriend told me they make you twist into every pose possible to reach all those secret little spots. I can’t help thinking that there is a secret hidden camera somewhere that is gonna catch me lookin’ like a dog peeing on a fire hydrant! I’ll keep you posted!
    As for Jesus’???? Yummmmmmmmmmyyyyyy…..
    Love, Josie
    PS…WARNING AHEAD….anal bleaching?…blech! labial plastic surgery? Why? The damn thing was born with wrinkles!!!!! Just sayin’…

    • LMAO, Jos! Do we share a brain or what?! Yeah, the whole na-na looking like a little girl is what turns my DH off. Different strokes…You know it’s only a matter of time before you give in to your man’s fantasy. And in the rare event they’d have hidden cameras, just think of the blog post you could write about it!!

  17. Ladies

    What about Lazer. Yup. They take a lazer to your … it hurts a bit, but after six or eight treatments, you are hair free…forever.

    One more treatment and let the decorating begin.

  18. Sarah Okins says:

    Due to my many travels, I had to catch up on my favorite blog! Love this! I did not know of the temporary adornments! Fuzzy bunny and ruffled feathers….makes me laugh! :) As a beauty professional, customers have told me that is not about their Hoo ha looking like a 5 year old’s but rather for pleasure purposes and for other monthly issues. Less is best I guess. I must say though, it’s whatever suits each individual!

    Thank you both for such a fun place to go and read on such a wide array of topics. Keep it coming….You’re brilliant!!

    Hugs and love!

    • Hi Sarah! We LOVE having you! Maybe you should start a beauty blog in all your free time~ LOL. :) I know you’d have not only great tips, but some awesome stories to boot! Just sayin’.

      Hugs and love back!

  19. Carol Bjerke says:

    Misty,

    Great article!! I actually giggled a few times. I had a Brazilian when I was still married and loved it. It was liberating, sexy and erotic all at once. Now that I’m soon to be a divorcee’ I haven’t bothered to “keep it trim” down there but after reading your article, I might just do it anyway…..for ME! I can be divorced and still be sexy :)

    • Hi Carol! So glad you found our site! :)

      YES, you are a very sexy woman, regardless of your marital/dating status. Take care of your *whole* self, you are a gem!

  20. Patty Copeland says:

    I can never look at a petunia the same way ever again. :) Wonderful……..glitz, feathers, tatooing. What next? Thanks for the education.

    Patty

  21. GREAT SUBJECT TO BLOG ABOUT. I AM VERY IMPRESSED. So much that I had to share it on my Page….hope you don’t mind. This is something everyone needs to read. At least I think so and you did such a great job writing about it….KUDOS!

Trackbacks

  1. [...] Recent posts include “Sexology 1010 (giggle…giggle..) for adults only” and “Prettying the Petunia-Yes, that’s what I mean“, are some of the hottest posts around and well worth the price of [...]

  2. [...] your significant other to shave your southern belle. If some of you are thinking WTF? – read this. This activity can be highly erotic for both of [...]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 18,623 other followers

%d bloggers like this: