Don’t Rollerskate In A Herd Of Buffalo…Or Men

Yeah…that’s right.  It just wouldn’t make any sense!  It’d be like stuffing a round pizza into a square box, creating ‘cursive’ writing, pressing harder on the remote keys when the batteries are dead, or inventing that stupid ‘POKE’ option on FaceBook…

Some shit in this world just doesn’t make sense!   

Why do we drive on a PARKway and park in a DRIVEway?  Why does your dentist always insist on talking to you when he has his hands in your mouth? Why the f$%& did the Kardashians make $65,000,000 last year?

But…the biggest question on my mind today is who the hell decided it was a good idea to force five feet of estrogen into the same living quarters with six feet of testosterone 365 days a year and then expect them to live in harmony when they obviously don’t mix in so many ways?

Talk about castor oil and swamp water!    

Now…don’t get me wrong. I LOVE my man, and I’m not insulting the rules of the Bible. Think of this as a Mars vs. Venus observation!

We think differently, people, about EVERYTHING. And don’t get me going on the capacity to communicate effectively.

Multitasking to women: cooking dinner, helping with homework, scheduling a doctor appointment, and chatting on the phone with a mom who misses you.

For a man: holding the remote (and their privates) while watching TV. (What IS that thing they have with holding their package?)

And NO, honey, I don’t know where you left your jock strap. I didn’t wear it this week. My friend called?  And she had the baby?  And you don’t remember the sex, or the name, or when she called, but you do know we are out of beer? Nice…

So, my idea? I keep asking my husband: Honey, can we live in separate apartments and just date?” 

Wouldn’t that be sexy and fun and just so romantic?  Just like it was in the beginning!

The kicker?  I want a WIFE!

Now, this epiphany didn’t just pop into my brilliant, bizarre mind on a whim. No, no, no… I’ve been thinking about this new revolution for a long, long time. Ever since I got vetoed at home on the ‘Honey, can I use the chainsaw to cut some driftwood and make an arbor for over the garage door?’ idea of mine.  Stupid alpha male. Chainsaws + women = NO. Construction + ‘his’ checkbook = NO. Who the hell does he think he is…my partner or something?

But the particular catalyst for this brainstorm comes from my recent visit to an inspiring couple’s home, my friends Lola and Maggie (names changed to protect their fabulousness, and I couldn’t get a hold of them before I posted this!). These two awesome women are married, raise two of the greatest kids, run their own separate businesses (multiple I might add), and CONSTANTLY give to their community.

The positive energy in that house (and the freaking decorating) is amazing. Talk about ‘estrogenic’ camaraderie! I’m so freaking jealous! A roommate to gab with, reason with, decorate with, do all that girly-type-thinking-about-the-world stuff with (fess up people, most men…Mr. M. included…are a little lacking in that, let’s-evaluate-the-shit out-of-everything-FOR HOURS-and-over-think-it-then-drown-our-sorrows-in-ice cream arena). These gals have the most symbiotic, romantic, supportive relationship I’ve seen in a long time. Let’s not even get started on how they probably think alike and agree on everything ’cause they’re both brilliant ‘Venus’-borne organisms (she deducted, allowing the corner of her lips to turn up in a satisfied egomaniacal smirk)

What a freaking novel idea! “Like” living with “like” = Harmony!

Let’s face it gals…and guys…WE’RE DIFFERENT! Genetically, hormonally, emotionally, and socially (thanks to stupid societal boundaries placed on all of us as kids).

And those bastards lose weight a heck-of-a lot faster than us, too, so you can’t EVER go on a diet with a male roommate. That would be so freaking self-destructive.

So, did I say I want a wife? You’re damn right I do!

But not necessarily in the same sense as my wonderful friends, Lola and Maggie. It would just be so nice to have a partner to hang and watch Twilight with and who won’t ask, ‘Why the hell is he so skinny and white? I don’t see the big deal.’  Or a partner to say, ‘Honey, I can tell you had a bad day. Why don’t you come over here, and we’ll talk about it’ instead of ‘What’s wrong with you? Did you see where the kids put the remote?’ Sometimes Mr. M comes through for me and follows that up with a ‘Did you take your medicine today?’  before he starts lifting the couch cushions to begin his search and rescue.

(Okay…So I took a few creative liberties here for humor’s sake…The big M does do some grocery shopping for me, and he can cook a mean HeatNServe garlic bread and he’s really adorable to look at.)

Think of it, though…if all us gals cohabited and then dated our mates on the side, the house would be clean, organized, and gorgeously decorated (plus I wouldn’t  have deer carcasses hanging in the ‘man’ room or flashlights and night vision cameras lying on every table surface). Being with the kids wouldn’t be considered babysitting (ever notice how new dads often refer to being with their kids in the absence of their wives as babysitting?) The conversation would be absolutely witty, intellectual, and riveting. Our diets would consist of more than venison steak, french fries, garlic bread, and pickles, and most importantly…I wouldn’t have to wear this ridiculous headlamp thing on my head  to read in bed at night anymore…I’d have MY OWN DAMN BED!

And doesn’t this great idea just give DATE NIGHT a whole new sexy meaning? They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. So…Yeee Haaaw!!! Dress yourself up, big boy, (actually put some thought into wanting to look nice for me), come pick me up in your chariot, open that damn car door, take me OUT to dinner, then take me parking and have your wicked way with me in the back seat.  Follow that up by kissing me senseless at the door (like some hot country video) to say goodnight! (Of course when I got home, the laundry would be folded, dishes done, house all tidy and my little single bed waiting for me with a REAL bedside lamp and a great book. And when I went to use the bathroom there’d be no ‘yellow spittle’ anywhere on the seat. Sometimes I think God gave my men a sprayer tip instead of the single stream option. Just my luck.)

Okay… so who’s in for a cohabitation revolution? Did I mention Maggie is a Licensed Massage Therapist, and Lola is the most talented photographer I’ve ever met? Talk about fringe benefits!

Men…chime in here! Think of how great it would be for you! Can anyone say MONOGOMOUS BOOTY CALL every night, then home in time for the game? And NO…we aren’t stopping over in our lingerie to clean and cook and do your laundry for you, so get that outta your head right now! Unless of course you have something to barter with.

(What was that Rachael? Laundry + sex = more laundry?)

DISCLAIMER: Certified Crazy Retraction – I ADORE my man (I mean “my men”…I’m surrounded by them in my house) and wouldn’t trade him for all the Rachel Rays, Donna Reeds, Oprah Winfreys, or Ellen Degeneres in the world. I’ll come find the milk for you in the fridge even though it’s RIGHT in front of your nose, every time, just for the thrill of rolling over, banging my headlamp into your forehead after blinding you, and kissing you goodnight. I just want my own bed….posturepedic/craftmatic with a remote!

What are a few pet peeves that get to you about your ‘room’ mate? Do you think it’s possible to change someone?  What difference might we see in your home if it was ALL yours?  How far has your mate come since you’ve taken him/her on?

Comments

  1. jerridrennen says:

    I seriously like this idea!

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Hey Jerri! Glad you like it! I thought it was brilliant. Any specific room mate pet peeves you’ve had in the past with anyone? Fill me in!
      J

  2. Hi Josie,
    I think separate bathrooms are a must. My husband doesn’t understand why I prefer using the other bathroom. It is decorated so pretty too. :)

    • Josie Matthews says:

      My lovely newlywed…I’m thrilled bathrooms are the only thing on your list! You picked a good one in ‘Mr. W’! Thats called learning from your mistakes girlfriend!!! You deserve it!
      Love J

  3. Oh, I’m definitely one of those women that enjoys a good let’s-evaluate-the-shit-out-of-everything talk. When I get started, my hubby looks like a deer caught in headlights, a cornered animal, the flight and fright response is etched on his face. I don’t think I can change him, anymore than I think he can change me. We’re just wired differently. Love the post, Josie. Had me LOL all through it!

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Oh Renee! I’m sooo glad Im not alone in this! I read so many great romance novels with that hot, talkative, understanding, compassionate hero in them that I started to think that was real!!! Silly me!!!
      What was I thinking! I don’t think its fair to try and change someone…maybe we can ‘improve’ some techniques for cohabitating but an all out change? I’m thinking that would be reeeeaalll streassful for all.
      Thanks for being with me! Love u! J

    • “Oh, I’m definitely one of those women that enjoys a good let’s-evaluate-the-shit-out-of-everything talk.”

      LOL, Renee! When Josie said that I thought it was hilarious, too. I think I’ve grown to be less this way…I wonder if it’s because my guy is one of those “bottom-line it for me, babe” kinda men. :)

  4. Hey Josie! Great post. I lucked out with a hubby who’s a neat freak, like me. In fact, he’s OC with dish-washing. LOVE it! But my biggest pet peeve, is like you said, why can’t men ever find ANYTHING? I mean, ANYTHING? He’ll search a room for ten minutes for something, then come whining to me. I pop over, and it’s like RIGHT THERE. Duh. Oh well, guess it’s still good to be needed! And yes, the equation of Laundry + sex isn’t foolproof. Sorry!

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Rach! At least your man spends 10 minutes!!! Mine usually steps into the room THEN starts asking for help. He won’t even consider bending or leaning or turning the head or moving anything. If its not right where HE thinks it should be its MY job to find it! And YES…its always right within his grasp. He really is a neat freak though…Im more the messy one but I keep my ‘things’ to a minimum….He’s a major collector and saver of everything! That shits gotta pile up somewhere and its usually in MY KITCHEN!!!!
      Phew…that felt good to vent….
      Thanks for chimin’ in! Love J

  5. LOL! Oh Josie this sounds great, but….what happens when there’s a thunderstorm? Who am I gonna snuggle up with?! Who’s going to warm up my spot in bed? Who’s gonna wake me up with kisses? (my favoritest thing ever!)

    If I had the house to myself I would be an insomniac. Luckily my guy isn’t gone overnight too often, but when he is, I find myself staying up waaaay later than is healthy. And then when I do sleep, I seem to wake up every hour (all 2 or 3 hours I’m actually in bed).

    And about that decorating thing? Yeah, I kinda want to be the only one with a say in that, so….I guess I’m with you on the Crazy Certified Retraction part!!

    My commentary is all null and void, however, if I ever decide to move to New York. Just sayin’. Love your guts! :)

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Thunderstorm-schmunderstorm…Ill keep you safe, baby. I’d miss my coffee ready for me in the morning…my car all registered and inspected…and….yup, thats it. My man gets up WAY to early to be waking my ass up…i’d clock him one if he did.
      Okay okay….we’ll just invest in a ‘girl-pad’ (and not the platex kind) A place that is all our own that we can retreat to when we need an estrogen fix. On the beach, lots of windows with a view…big decks and no neighbors to be spying on us! Hows that?
      OH! And a CHEF! A Hot one…
      Love ya!

    • Josie, I would do the same thing when my guy is gone over night. But thankfully it doesn’t happen often. I do have insomina and its the pitts. Sounds like you got a good guy too.

      • Josie Matthews says:

        Mary, Isn’t funny how we all get SO used to being with our men? Like a comfy old pair of jeans! Insomnia? You have to fix that Mar! If we were room mates I’d make you a nice hot-toddy for sleep….
        Love J!

  6. After a hard day at school, I so enjoyed the chuckle I got from this post and everyone’s comments. Thanks.

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Ang! You’re so welcome! The silly moods my man can incite! He’s a master…You gotta see me go all stand-up comedian after a few cozy white-russians! Glad I could make you smile!
      Love J

  7. Loved the blog. My hubby says he went through 12 years of training with the wife from hell before he married me. I really, really have a great guy. He is very submissive. Yes, I had to bring that up. Tee Hee! When we first married we shared chores. He didn’t like the way I washed the clothes. So now he does them. Don’t get me wrong, there are days when I want to send him to the moon without a spaceship. But all in all I like living with him.

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Thats’ awsome Mary! You might even consider thanking? hell-wife for the training in what NOT to settle for in a wife! He knew exactly what he wanted when he met you !!! Sometimes those ex’s do serve a good purpose. Funny you mention the clothes. My sno complained about my menu choice for dinner 2 weeks ago. Since then I’ve assigned Monday to my 19 year old, Tues to my hubb,y Weds to my 16 year old and I k on THurs! The rest of the weekend is pot luck! Oh the harmony of it all! And I have to say…they are doing an awesome job: learning to read recipes, plan meals, put together their grocery list for me and cook! LOVIN’ IT!
      Love J

  8. Oh Josie are you in search of that greener pasture again. Do you really think that a change of living partner(s) will be the perfect prescription for a happier fun filled estroenergetic (?) life. NOT. I challenge you to give it a try and see for yourself that the greener pasture will slowly turn brown and those “yellow spittles” on the toilet will quickly turn into creamy white stains. Don’t let the door hit you in the toosh on the way out and it could be very well locked when you come back knocking. Have fun. 💔

  9. Josie Matthews says:

    Markus D….you misunderstand…there is no replacing my man. Men are….men…and women are of a different species altogehter. Hence I get my estrogen fix from my awesome chickswagger girls and friends. And that door…it keeps my alpha man and me safe in our beautiful home…and there is no place I’d rather be. I’d just love a craftmatic bed…or a nice art room for christmas…Oh…and maybe some caramel chocolate covered apples. Hence, there is no replacing my man. Thanks for the testosterone insight…

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    • Josie Matthews says:

      Thanks so much Vernon! IT’s been so much fun and so meaningful to connect with people. Enjoy your foray into blogging! Keep me posted!
      J

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    • Josie Matthews says:

      Thanks Niki!!! We have so much fun here…We are all so different and come from different backgrounds that we get alot of different viewpoints! Looking forward to yours!!!
      Thanks for being with us!
      J

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