My Dirty Little Spam Folder

One woman’s take on the sometimes-entertaining emails that fill her spam folder. Spam email mailbox folder

The other day I opened up my spam folder to make sure no important emails were hijacked, and lo and behold, I found myself laughing at some of the subject lines.

I know some of you are thinking—she’s easily entertained. Yes, I’m all about finding humor in the mundane. Why not? Laughing is healthy. Therefore, I thought I’d share a sampling of my spam emails and my personal take on them.

I’m not sure who Big-Willy is, but he’s under the misguided assumption I have a penis. Yep, I have two X chromosomes and lackSkinny Weight Loss that male appendage. Nevertheless, Big-Willy wishes to sell me something which promises to enlarge my manhood. Two to Four inches! Permanently! That’s a sizable increase, since according to Wikipedia the mean of an erect penis is 5.1-5.9 inches. I’m sure there are many men who would sell their soul for such an elixir or gadget. But I’m surely not going to forward this email to any of them. I doubt any product could produce such results, let alone any results. So I’m sorry Big-Willy, I deleted your email. Hey, but thanks for the laugh!

I also received an email from Paid to Watch. The subject line read GET PAID TO WATCH PORN. Yes, it was all capitalized. I’m not surebeauty girl watshing new movie about that as an occupation. Would I have business cards made up proclaiming me as a professional porn watcher? In truth, I’m not that into porn, but hell if someone wants to pay me to watch it, shouldn’t I consider it?

Another frequent email that ends up in my spam folder is from F*ckbook. Is this like Facebook? I have enough trouble navigating Facebook, surely F*ckbook would overwhelm me. Not to mention land me in hot water with my hubby. They repeatedly send me emails notifying me that I’ve WON a membership. Wow, I rarely win anything. I also get the occasional email telling me I have a buddy request from them. Should I feel honored? This makes me think of the message I received from someone on Facebook who said, I like your picture. I was flattered until I realized I hadn’t posted one.

I’ll be honest; I’ve not opened any of these emails, though I’m a bit curious, especially about what Big-Willy is trying to hawk. Sometimes I wonder if these emails are related to the research I do online. I know there are some of you laughing and saying… yeah, research, ha. However, it’s true. I write sensual stories set in Victorian England. I’ve searched slang terms for both male and female genitalia. Researched what erotica the staid Victorians enjoyed. I’ve perused the erotic illustrations Edouard Henri Avril created for Fanny Hill: Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure. Yes, go ahead and search his drawings. They’re quite…hmm, shall I say entertaining.

Maybe this spam has nothing to do with what I search for on the web. So let me know, am I alone—branded by my web viewing habits, or do you receive these emails as well? Do you open them up because your curiosity gets the better of you? And if you’re willing to share, what’s the funniest one you’ve ever received?

Comments

  1. Spam Folder? These are in my INBOX. Stupid Hotmail!
    I never open them for fear of viruses riddling my work desktop

  2. Yahoo is pretty good at keeping them out of my regular mail. I never open them either, but I’m sometimes curious. I mean really, what is Big-Willy trying to sell? And are there any photos? Illustrations? Before and afters?

  3. F*ckbook?!?! Seriously? I’ve never heard of that one. LOL. I hardly ever get spam anymore since I switched over to Gmail. But before that, we used to get “loads” (snicker) of sex-type emails. I don’t even remember any specifics, but they were pretty entertaining as well.

    I never opened any of them. Viruses are not only a concern but many of these are phishing emails that try to get you to give them some of your personal information.

    I’m sure what we research on the web does play some part in what ads we see on websites and what lists we get added to. I’m just worried one day I’ll get taken away in handcuffs after the FBI decides I’m researching way too much bad crap. I remember thinking I *had* to be added to some watch-list after researching stuff for a “Body Disposal” class. :P

    • Body disposal? I bet writers have the most interesting web viewing history. Well if Big Brothers is watching me they’re probably wondering why I looked up if the Victorians had sex toys?

  4. What I really laugh at is when you have a mountain of those types, and then another kind…be it legit email or just a different kind of spam…slipped in between. So something like:

    Enlarge Your Penis NOW!
    F*ck Random Strangers Every Night!!! (they always have exclamation points as if expletives weren’t emphatic enough)
    Sexy XXX School Girls Ready For You!!!!!!
    Save 15% off Sheets at Bed Bath & Beyond

    One has to think that if you were actually making use of the other emails, you could use a good deal on some new sheets…

  5. This post was so funny! And, I needed a good laugh today. Thankfully, somehow, SPAM knows to go to its own folder. I generally delete without opening. Thanks so much for my laugh of the day.

  6. Mary Roya says:

    I too check my email spam folder to make sure that nothing important is in it. I get this really funny email from a ‘Michelle’. Well, Michelle is lonely and divorce is not an option. I don’t think Michelle knows I’m female. I get ads for those little blue pills. Oh, I also get the emails about winning a lottery that I never entered. And my favorite is “My Dearest, I am a 82 year woman and I need some one honest to leave my money too. I have $15,000,000. Can you please contact me?’ Then there is the FBI stating that I have money in an account for being scammed. All I have to do is give them all my personal information and I’ll have them money within days. If they are the FBI, they already have my personal information and then some. Guess where the money is? Nigeria! Anything that say Nigeria gets an automatic delete. The spam emails are fun to read, but never, never ever reply. Enjoyed the blog. It is funny, my spam folder had 43 emails and my inbox had 20. Hummm, I wonder if I should change my email or use a throw-away.

    • Ha! I get emails from Adriana. She might be Michelle’s younger, wilder sister because she’s horny and loves to cheat. And wouldn’t we all want some random stranger to leave us $15,000,000. These emails are too bizarre. Thanks for adding to the list, Mary!

  7. Lol, hilarious, Renee. Great post ;) I must be researching the same sites as you, because I too have been mistaken for a man who wants to enlarge my manhood. Funny, I never get spam about enlarging/improving my feminine parts. Now what does that say about the sites I visit? ;)

  8. Josie Matthews says:

    Hey!!! I thought Big Willy only wanted me!!! My penis should be about 12 feet long by now…Big Willy doesnt give up!
    I’ve made such a mess out of my computer that its time for me to bring it to ‘The Computer Guys’ to clean it up! And what about those Pop Ups? I cant even log onto facebook without being inundated with pop ups! You gotta see the people who want to date me, f&*^ me, help me lose weight, save me from evil, find me true love, and fix my sink! I feel so loved…..
    Great post Renee!!!!

    • Could you imagine if Big-Willy really had such a gadget that worked. Ha! There would be some major bulges lurking in men’s pants and our romance stories would have some interesting descriptions of hulking manhoods. I hate pop-ups! They slow my computer down and freeze my browser. Very frustrating. At least the spam knows were it belongs.

  9. I get a lot of spam for fake Louis Vitton bags, Ugs, Viagra, Porn and something in Spanish that I have never worked out. Not yet had Big Willy or f*ckbook..
    I often wonder if they work on words on posts. When someone mentions the word Slut – I get a lot more porn offers. When I had an Illuminating blog award I had loads of bank and finance stuff.
    Some of the spam is quite poetic don’t you think?

    • I never get spam for Louis Vitton bags! How unfair. Most of the spam I receive seems geared to a man’s mailbox. I looked at my husband’s spam folder. Yes, I asked him first. We had totally different emails, well, except for the Canadian pharmacy ones. I had no finance ones and he had a bunch of them. Yes, poetic and funny. Kerry, thanks for stopping by.

  10. Emily Allen says:

    Haven’t been lucky enough to get any like these. ;)

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