Here it is people…the much anticipated, much awaited, first day of spring! I don’t know about you guys, but winter in the Northeast is brutal. I made it in one piece, my 50th birthday behind me, and the kicker about it all? I’m going crazy with Katy Perry’s Firework for my background music…you in?
Yeah…turning 50 with an almost empty nest, a mid-life crisis, and not to mention the bipolor disorder that lurks in the genetics, I’m well primed for an all out revolution!
So, I’m making some changes; physically, emotionally and mentally. A sort-of overhaul/makeover if you will. I’m pampering the body, tightening the diet, acknowledging the emotions and remembering my meds!
AND…I’m bringing ya’ll along for the ride…..Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
First stop? Pampering the body… Now, not everybody is as lucky as me to have a hubby as thoughtful and full of wisdom as Mr. M. No, no, no…my man is always quick with those inspirational words to get me through my day and on to a better one…Like the time I was standing in my undies trying to decide which pants were gonna fit me this week and he observantly commented, “Babe! For God’s sake! You look like you got Buckwheat in a headlock! It’s time for your waxing isnt it?”
Yeah…I know what you’re thinking…God, Josie is so lucky to have a man like him!
So lucky, in fact, that I pilfered forty bucks from the old man and dragged my ass right to Gata Bella! (The Pretty Kitty!)
Yes that’s right…I prettied my kitty with help from my friend Halima S. and I’m due again in a few days for my Full-out, balls-to-the-wall, soft-as-a-baby’s-butt Bikini Wax!
God…it was SO good…I’m gonna do it again and again and again. And I’d love to bring you with me! But considering travel would be an added expense…I’ll let you live vicariously through my experience.
Now, Halima has been waxing her clientele for a while now…completely certified (which is definitely a must when dealing with nudity and hox wax) and she’s so warm and welcoming. ‘Cause let face it, gang…going to someone’s house and laying naked from the waist down with your legs spread like a Thanksgiving turkey screams for a converstaion starter other than “My, what big lips you have!”
We chose instead to discuss more important things to keep my mind off the state of my exposed vajayjay. Things like child rearing, the problems facing teens, world hunger, boob lifts and if every woman looks the same down there or not. (Evidently, we all look different. Halima can even tell if a woman is very sexually active or not sexually active at all by the terrain between their legs! I was too chicken to ask!)
My waxologist wasted no time as she positioned my extremites and stirred the blue wax while eyeing up her starting point. Now mind you, She had alot of turf to cover considering she really should’ve charged me for a bikini wax AND a leg wax! My Italian ancestors must have believed that that inner-thigh-pubic-hair-to-the-knees trait was neccessary for survival being those genetics were virile enough to survive through the generations. Maybe to ward off invaders crawling up from the feet or something.?
Anyhoo…Halima got down to business…and when I say business, I mean we could’ve crocheted a handy afghan or a few hundred pairs of mittens from the stuff she removed. Hey! You do it with rabbit fur and llama fur and sheeps wool…why not girly wool?
Okay…sorry…back on topic. Now this cool blue stuff she used was real potent stuff. Went on warm, cooled as it cemented itself to those hairs then removed those little buggars from their follicle in one flick of Halima’s graceful wrist.
Now that’s not to say that all my special girls where as compliant as others. Every once in a while we ran into a roadblock, you know…those few hairs who hang on for dear life and take your whole labia with them during the yanking phase…yeah…you get it….ouch. Lucky for me…Halima was a seasoned warrior…no flap or fold went un-examined. For an hour, Halima and I bonded over blue wax carpeted with a plethora of little hairs. My best defense against vaginal and urethral infection was just thrown in the trash.
Now I bring this up not to be gross, but to enlighten you with a bit of my medical expertise. Here again, we are altering nature’s good intentions in search of our interpretation of beauty. But is a naked Vajayjay beautiful? I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder…”Hey Mr. M!!! You likey??”
More blue goo, more cooling, more yanking (alot of surface area down there gang!)…The party went on and on and on. I thought we were all done when I admired downy soft skin beyond my navel.
That’s when Halima announced, “Okay…lift your feet up and pull your knees to your chest.”
And that’s when I knew Halima and I would forever be bound. For no one at my age flashes their %&#hole at just anybody. There has to be that special…connection.
So, I hoisted my legs into the air (yeah…thanks for the visual…right?) as far as I could while I watched her cute little head disappear beneath the horizon line created by my thighs. More blue, more cooling, more yanking…Who the hell knew?
Then Wa-la! Clean as a whistle. (I never pictured a whistle as clean…sort of full of spit more like it…but the idom works…)
When Halima gave me the okay, I manuevered my bare butt off the table then turned to see her wonderful work in the full length mirror that hung on the back of her door. (I do believe full length mirrors should be outlawed.)
Thank God her two little girls weren’t in the room, but I do believe her handsome hubby had to hear me from the kitchen…I wonder what he thinks about the whole she-bang she’s got going on in their bedroom?
But, seriously, no lie…flounder all the way! When I asked my good friend ’Maggie’ if all women’s hoo-haas look the same she responded, “No…I’m a coin purse, everything is tucked away inside. And my friend is a flower, everything right out there in the open!”
But fucking flounder? Just my luck…
I’d recommed a brazillian bikini wax to everyone…MEN included! (Mr.M. had his back waxed! He’s so cute I think the waxologist had more fun than him!) Being nekkid down yonder is soft and clean and oh, so…sensual! Pain you ask? Nothing compared to what I was imagining. Totally worth it! (Halima said I was a good girl…I didn’t scream or flinch! Next time maybe I’ll get a lollypop!)
Now, this may not be for everyone, but it is definitely for me. The cleanliness alone is a big plus. The sensitivity? Purrrrrrr…(hubby loves it as much as me!) And as far as growing back in? Took about 3 weeks before I started noticing growth. No stubblies, no itching, and on the 4th week – it feels like downy fur! Much less course-wireyness for some reason. Halima is my hero! If you’re not into going totally bare see if your waxologist will do a heart, or your initials or your lover’s initials. These professionals are very talented.(check out Gatta Bella’s pics on www.TammeStittPhotgraphy.com)
I’m proud of myself, I took a risk. I tried something I’ve always wanted to, I stretched out of my comfort zone and put a little ’sparkyness’ into my day. It may not be something every fifty-year-old woman would think of trying, but hey…like my kids say…YOLO…You Only Live Once!
So that takes care of my ‘pampering of the body’ metamorphisis. Stay tuned for my next post when we will delve into ‘tightening the diet.’ And when I say diet, I don’t mean deprive…I mean nourish, where I’ll don my nurses cap and fill you guys in on the food we’re putting into our bodies,and the food we’re not! (PS I’m great at teaching it…but I suck at following my own advice! Hence the extra 10 lbs Im lugging around right now!) (yeah, yeah…I know…you’re wondering when we are gonna talk about sex and orgasms and toys, again right? I’m sure my swagger sisters are researching and testing the sensual-waters as we speak…I’m off to read a hot book my hubby bought me…that’s MR. M.’s signal for, “Babe…Missin’ you…it’s time to put out!”
So much Mr. M…. so little time! P.S. Not sure if I mentioned this, but once when I teasing my hubby that I was going to get a navel ring, he graciously enlightened me, “Babe…a ring? You’d need a horshoe if you want anyone to see it!” Yeah…he thinks he’s hysterical. And you’d think he’d have learned by now not to mess with my fragile, female sensitivities…that time I rocked the bank account for a whole-lotta-dough and got myself one of them-there tummy tucks!!! He’s so good to me!)
Love you all! Josie.
What is something you’ve always wanted to do, but were too afraid to? Maybe because of your age? others wouldn’t approve? you don’t think it would be sensible? you think you don’t deserve it?
What is your opinion of a nekkid Na-Na?
What’s your lover’s signal when they need your personal attention?