CONDOMS! – a not-so-serious discussion from a Chick Crasher

Chicks and Roosters you’re in for a treat today! We have hilarious guest author AJ Nuest with us today yakking it up about rubbers!! Yep, you heard that right…Don’t be silly wrap your willy!

*cue the immature giggles*

Okay, okay. I’m out of here – right after I tell you that there’s a prize for everyone at the end of this post!!

How does a FREE BOOK sound?!

Oh, hell yeah. You’ll be all over that like silicone sheathing a nice hard…

*cough*

*shiver*

:D

Take it away, AJ, we love you!!

Misty: "Can I just say, this picture is epic in conjunction with the rubber talk. LMAO!

Misty: “Can I just say, this author photo is EPIC in conjunction with the rubber talk. LMAO!

Oh, Co-on-dums! (sung to the tune of Oh, Canada!) Yep. You can thank me later. :)

Greetings everyone and a great big LET’S GET OUR SWAGGER ON to the fabulous Swagger Chicks for hosting me! I honestly can’t think of a funner group of ladies to be visiting with today! Whoot!

I’m actually here to discuss a very important issue.

Condoms and the variety of choices. And, honestly, who knew? As a mom of two who’s been married for over fifteen years, the birth of my second child followed by an agreed-upon vasectomy, birth control hasn’t been on my radar in…what? Eleven years?

But it’s an important topic in this day and age, especially if you’re like me and enjoy writing contemporary romance with a high level of sizzle. Doubly so if you’re crafting a strong heroine who’s a bit of a control freak—someone who would not only use a condom, but select one she liked and keep a supply on hand at all times. Besides, when it came down to the “gettin bizzy” portion of my story, I knew unless I wanted to open a huge can of worms (GASP! AJ’s un-wed characters have sex without a condom!) it would be important for me to take a moment and re-acquaint myself with the current protective measures commonly practiced for safe sex.

*AJ clears her throat and stands, glancing uncomfortably around the room.*

“Hi my name is AJ, and I have no idea what kind of rubber to choose for my heroine.”

“Hi, AJ.”

Enter the condom research phase of She’s Got Dibs—followed by a strict regimen to consistently erase the history from my Google search bar in case aforementioned second child decided to play a round of Candy Crush on mom’s laptop. Oh, the horror of that conversation.

Tessa, my heroine, insisted I choose a condom that was right for her. Since I knew next to zilch about how condoms had evolved over the past ten years, who I was to argue?

Okay, so…cherry flavored? Hmmm… *AJ taps her fingers on the desktop as several interesting visuals come to mind. * That would definitely work. Or how about glow in the dark? The lights are off when Tessa and Dibs first enter that hotel room. Might avoid a little inept fumbling there. Wait…there’s the French Tickler. Interesting… Or how about something of the ribbed or studded variety? Maybe. Could always go with super-thin. Ooh, what about warming? That’d be good. Perhaps this issue warranted further investigation with my Head of Research and Development (aka my husband).

femalecondom

Jezzus, AJ, think we need a bigger diagram here? I had to resize this puppy down already! Does this mean there will be a quiz? LOL

And then I stumbled upon something that caught my eye—the female condom. Evidently this contraceptive device has been around since the early 1980s. Again, who knew? It’s recently gained popularity among women and the whole idea behind it really appealed to me for Tessa. It just sounded “right” a take-charge woman like her would go this route…and my editor agreed. Female condoms are more flexible than their male counterparts, the rim provides added stimulation and protection and they can be inserted up to eight hours prior to intercourse. Huzzah! It was like an IUD or sponge without the danger of contracting an STD.

There was only one problem. Well, several actually, but the most important was my hero’s response to this mysterious contraption (not to mention the reader segueing off to do a little research of their own). Dibs is a smart, responsible guy. He would no doubt broach the subject since the outer ring hangs about an inch outside the vagina. So…what up with that conversation?

Dibs glances down between their naked bodies. “Um, you got something there.”

“It’s a condom.”

His brows draw together in a frown. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not the correct way it’s supposed to be used.”

“It’s a female condom. Just make sure the rim is fully extended before you enter.”

“Okay. Wait…how will I know if it’s fully extended?”

“You have to unroll it a little and make sure it’s centered. Don’t get close to me until you’ve got it perfect or we’re in deep shit.”

Talk about an arousal deflator. Then there was the whole “slippage” issue, which seemed a little murky to me. Afterward, the woman isn’t supposed to stand. There’s some twisting of the ends involved before condom removal and just…GAH! Quite frankly, my arousing “one-handed” sex scene started to take on all the sexual prowess of a gynecological exam.

Whoot! Go on with your steamy romance, AJ. Not.

In the end, I opted for a plain ol’ regular condom for Tessa and Dibs. After all, there can be some excellent foreplay involved in using the tried and true, and that’s where I wanted the focus to stay—on my characters and what they were feeling (and doing) to each other.

That being said, now I can’t help but wonder. Am I totally missing out here? Is there a pleasurable outcome to using a condom even when protection isn’t an issue? As one girl to another, do you have a favorite? And if so, which one?

One lucky commenter will be drawn from the hat and then I’m headin’ to the pharmacy. The winner will receive a box of condoms of their choice…and so will I. :)

Author bio:

Multi-published, award-winning author and editor, AJ Nuest, lives in a small farming community in NW Indiana with her loving husband, two beautiful children, and a bevy of spoiled pets. She and the cat are currently vying for dictatorship. The cat is winning.

She’s Got Dibs, won 1st Place in the Contemporary Category, Heartland Romance Authors, Show Me the Spark! Contest, 2010

***TODAY AND TOMORROW SHE’S GOT DIBS IS FREE AT AMAZON!***
Click the link to be taken to the site! :)

Blurb:  

ShesGotDibs_w2583_750True love does not exist…or so event planner Tessa Adams learns the day she gets jilted—twenty-four hours prior to walking down the aisle. One-night stands are much easier, and with sexy philanthropists like David Brenner, how can she resist? Now if she could just get rid of him. Had she known the biggest event of her career would be working for David’s father, she would have cut and run. Instead, she’s unwittingly become a part of his parents’ plan to destroy his life-long dreams. Will sacrificing her love protect him or be the ultimate betrayal?

Wealthy and gorgeous, David Brenner seemingly holds the world in the palm of his hand—his generous heart and infectious smile are just two in an endless stream of attractive qualities. But the one thing he wants, he can’t have—a repeat of the passionate night he spent in the arms of a skittish Tessa Adams. His family’s far-reaching power threatens to crush their dreams. To prove his love, he would risk everything…but will the return of her ex-fiancé be their final undoing?

“Dibs.” He extended his hand.

Frowning, she accepted his greeting. “Dibs on what?

“No.” He chuckled. “That’s my name. Or well, actually, my nickname. Either way, it’s what everyone calls me.”

“O-o-okay…” The guy definitely had the smolder covered…and those incredible ice-blue eyes. Yikes!

“And you are?”

“Oh, Tessa Adams.” She laughed.

“And everyone calls you…?”

Her frown returned. “Tessa.”

“Oh.” He scanned her face. “No nickname, huh?”

“Not that I recall at the moment.”

He pressed his full lips together as if restraining a smile, eyes twinkling with merriment, and handed her the notepad. “Here’s your confirmation number. The room’s at the Waldorf Towers over on Park.”

Two suites at the Waldorf? In this mess? What was he, a wizard? “Wow, great. Thanks so much for the help.”

“Glad to be of service.” He retrieved his briefcase and started down the corridor, abruptly stopped, and peered at her over the perfect slant of his shoulder. “And don’t worry, Tessa, I’ll think of a good nickname for you.”

She offered him a blank stare. “Hey, knock yourself out.”

Mischief danced along his lips before a grin broke free and he continued down the hallway.

“What a whack job,” she muttered.

Hey Gang, Misty again…Can you believe this book is free? Find it here. And thanks for joining us today!! :)

Comments

  1. ROFLOL! Misty I am laughing my head off at your captions! You are hilarious and I love ya to bits! Thank you soooo much to all the Swagger Chicks for allowing me to hijack your blog today! I’m honored to be here. Now let’s get this par-tay started! Whoot! Talk to me people! Is there a condom out there I must try? *eyebrow waggle* Do tell!

    • I was sitting here holding a piece of bacon about two inches from my slack-jawed mouth, studying your condom diagram, when the waitress at Bob Evan brought us a fresh pot of coffee. She paused, gasped and shot me a WTF look? I asked her if she’s ever used a female condom and she slowly backed away. She’s in her early twenties. Shouldn’t she be more relaxed about this stuff than I am?

      Great post, AJ! You know how I loved DIBS! His line–my fav of all times!–about coming at her like a freight train had definite r-r-raarrrr factor. Whoot!

      • ROFLOL! Vonnie, I love you sooooo much! You gotta ask that waitress what she recommends! LOL Tell her your old married friend is looking to spice things up a bit and would like her opinion on all the new and hip condoms out there!

      • Vonnie, that is hilarious!! I would totally think she’s be more chill about that! LMAO

      • Josie Matthews says:

        Von! I think you need me traveling with you as your personal assistant to make sure you behave….Think of the fun we’d have!!!! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaawww!

  2. Mary Roya says:

    Well, that was interesting. I had never heard of a female condom. Just goes to show you’re never to old to lean something new. It does look odd. As for winning a box of condoms. I’ll pass. Married 22 years, don’t need them. Tee hee! Thanks for the free ebook. Got it and I will leave a review when done. It does sound like a great read.

  3. ajnuest says:

    Hi Mary! I’m right there with you! DH and I celebrated our…what was it…fifteenth wedding anniversary just last week! No condoms in this house for ages. LOL Thank you for picking up a copy of She’s Got Dibs! Whoo Hoo! I appreciate the support!!

  4. Wow, AJ! You had me laughing the whole time :) Thank you SO MUCH for crashing our blog!

    I *hate* it when modern day couples don’t use protection in novels. Or TV (*points finger at Mistresses*). So I’m really glad to hear the fun you had researching for yours. I can just imagine if you actually went to a pharmacy and got asked if you needed help ;)

    Hubby and I went the same route, 2 kids and vasectomy, but condoms have occasionally made their way into our bedroom. I think maybe not having to use them takes the pressure/negativity off and makes them just another way of spicing things up.

    As for recommendations… the variety box!

  5. Misty’s Quiz:
    The female condom is inserted in:
    a. the vah-jay-jay
    b. the altar of love
    c. the pink palace in the curly forest
    d. all of the above

    • ROFLMFHO!!!!! “The pink palace in the curly forest!” That’s a new one for me! OMG that’s hilarious!!! As usual, great post, AJ! You are a hoot! Might I also recommend the vibrating cock ring. Not used for protection, but WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO lots of fun. Sarah Grimm told me about that one.

      By the way…ROFLMFHO = rolling on the floor, laughing my freakin’ head off. No quarters from ME today!!! ;)

      • AAAHAHAHAHA! What everyone else doesn’t know is that my daughter recently started a “quarter” jar for every time a member of our family curses. So far, I’m single-handedly paying our way to Disney World. Go Sarah! Dude, I’m totally checking out the VCR (vibrating cock ring)! That sounds fabulous! LOL (I’m so sheltered. I really do need to get out more.) Thanks for stopping by Arial! XOXO

    • BTW, love the quiz!! LOL!

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Those choice are all soooooo MISTY! Where do you get it from girlfriend?

  6. Hi AJ, Thanks so much for being A Chick Crasher! I just loved this post. Too funny! I don’t think I’ would want to use the female condom. I’d be too worried it would get lost in “the alter of love” and someone would have to fish it out. Glow in the dark condoms sound real interesting. If your hubby’s “up” for it, you could play hide and seek.

  7. ajnuest says:

    Misty’s Quiz Question No. Duex:
    While removing the female condom, a woman should:
    a. recline on a horizontal surface
    b. go shoe shopping
    c. enjoy a fruity cocktail on the beach
    d. reapply lipstick

  8. This post still has me laughing…and, just what I needed with the lousy weather we’ve been having in Philly. Thanks, Chicks!

    • LOL! Thank you, Angela! Sorry to hear about the weather. Here in the midwest it’s been downright eerie. Hot and sunny one minute, a huge lightning storm and torrential rain the next. Seriously. If you don’t like the weather, wait ten minutes. :-)

  9. AJ, I’ve been waiting all day to get back to this party! I’ve been in my Grandma’s hometown moving her to an apartment since 8 am this morning (OMG, she’s been in her house for 43 years…remind me never to become a packrat!), and when I told her I was going to go do a little “work” now this evening (hahaha, aren’t we lucky this is our career?!) she asked me what I was going to work on…. LMAO! Um…oh…just do a little blogging about research… Which is mostly true, I mean, right?

    Anyway, one thing I’ve always wondered is what is the point of flavored condoms? If you’re going to give a BJ why would you even have a condom on in the first place? Is it the STD thing? I don’t mean to sound naive, but I have no idea if the can be transmitted orally??? Can anyone clue me in?

    Great fun and glad to have you, AJ! Maybe we can have you come back after you experience the vibrating cock ring/clit flicker…if we can get you away from your husband long enough! xoxo

    • ajnuest says:

      OMG! I can’t imagine that move. Whenever I need to clean I watch an episode of hoarders and then spend like the next week throwing everything away. If it ain’t nailed down, it goes in the trash. LOL

      You know…you gotta point about that whole oral sex, flavored condom thing. If I want flavor, I just usually use cake. Or that spray whipped topping always comes in handy. Gotta keep a good supply of that in the fridge. Not sure about the whole oral transmitting STD thingy. Anyone know?

      You say the word I am back in a FLASH! LOL I love it here. LOOOOOVE IT! God, I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun trading comments. It was here, I’m sure. LOL

      Thanks for hosting me! Off now to get the kids to bed and grab the whipped topping from the fridge!

    • MIsty,

      I was an RA (Residence Assistant/Dorm Mom) at a college in the early 90′s. Flavored condoms are for enhancing the fun of a BJ because yes, STDs (including HIV and herpes) can be spread orally.

      I remember having to teach the girls about birth control. Some of these kids had never heard the word vagina before–seriously. Anyway, we had to make it fun. So we’d play games like who could put the condom on the cucumber the fastest to teach them how to roll them onto their men.

      AJ’s impression of the female condom is about what mine was all those years ago. I figured I could take birth control and my boyfriend (wow, I feel old saying that) could wear the condom. Then again, I’ve been married for 16 years and haven’t need a condom in a long time. :)

  10. Ok- I have absolutely NO clue about these things since I got married at 20, tubes tied at 26 and a hysterectomy at 37 and between the first two numbers hubby and I tried about three variations of birth control and condoms lost (after one broke and– hello dd #2- Oh wait, that was the pill I forgot to take after a glass of wine… But one did break and give us a scare) Anyway my point is- I should research more too. There are some interesting options being presented here. Hmm *Now where is that button to erase history?*

    Oh, here’s a question for ya: Who knows what a man’s favorite color is?

    Great fun as usual, ladies. Oh my I haven’t laughed so hard in at least a month! Thanks.

    • ajnuest says:

      Um…a man’s favorite color? AJ glances around the room. Green? LOL I don’t know. Should I know? LOL

      • Josie Matthews says:

        Calisa…My man’s fav color is definitely camo…If we could find camo vibrators, comdoms, thongs…ANYTHING…he’d be all over me like fudge on rocky road! Now you add a nice head piece with antlers and theres no telling when I’d get out of the romper-room.
        Did anyone say “She thinks my tractors sexy????”

        • ajnuest says:

          ROFLOL! Right now I’m hearing my sister’s voice in my head. Her dh goes ba-zonkers during hunting season. Like he washes with this special non-scented soap and everything. I have to tell her to go out and get some camo for when he returns from his trips. *eyebrow waggle*

      • Well, an ex boyfriend’s brother once told me it’s…”forest” pink… :-O I wonder if they make camo in that particular color? LOL

  11. maccrowne says:

    Holy cow. Brilliant post, AJ.

    *snickering at Vonnie* I want to be her when I grow up.

    I’m so glad you explained about not using the female condom, AJ. I was reading – and laughing – and then thinking, holy crap! How did I miss that scene? Where the hell is my kindle? Frankly, I’ve never heard of the female condom, but I do have some experience with flavored ones. Stay away from the limes ones from Mexico. They’ll put the “Hot” back into your sex life – but not in a good way. Aey-chihuahua!

    Oh, and don’t enter me in the condom giveaway. Those things are permanently in my rear-view mirror. Hmm. Wait. We’ve got a birthday party coming up and might need some balloons. :-)

  12. Josie Matthews says:

    A.J. Okay…let me just start by saying I realized I had a latex allergy right after my man gloved up one night. Now that was 25 years ago but the nightmare still lives in my mind! Talk about ‘swollen flesh’! And just hink what would of happened if I decided on a little oral sex with that bad baby! I would’ve looked like a platypus! Now thats what I call sexy! I itched for daaaaaaaaaays…
    Condoms (even the non-latex ones) are a no-no in our house, thank god…Except for the boys bedrooms…Not that my little ones (16 and 20!) use them, but for some reason the schools keep giving them out and they keep landing on the dressers!!! Let’s just say grandma will never head up to their rooms un-announced to organize their drawers again!
    Thanks for being with us and sharing your fabulous wit and charm!!!1

    • ajnuest says:

      Oh my gosh, Josie, it was sooooo much fun to be here! I’m freaking out about your latex allergy! Nightmare! Total and complete nightmare! GAH! I’ve often experienced a little burning from a condom, but holy CRAP, I can’t imagine it going on for days. Whew! I shudder to think of the day my son comes home with condoms from school. He’s only 13 and I’m so not ready for that!! LOL I’ve got an idea for another post! You Swagger Chicks say the word and I am BACK! Thank you so much for hosting me!! I’m totally cracking up at all these comments. XO

  13. LOL…I am sooo late to the party. Sounds like the balloons are covered though. Here is an idea…everyone should go to the adult store and just look around. Esp if you are a spicy romance author The options are amazing. AND to make it really fun, for date night, drag the husband with you…Mine stared at the floor while I asked the girl that worked there every questions that popped into my dirty little mind. They are the experts right? She was happy to give very detailed answers while my husband turned fifty shades of purple, although come to find out later he was paying more attention than I thought. When you’ve been married 20 years, couldn’t hurt. BTW the last condom we used I wound up pregnant anyhow. Thank God for Vasectomies!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 14,571 other followers

%d bloggers like this: