The Eye Patch for your Va-Ja-Jay by Vonnie Davis

Chickas, I’m continuing on with Avery Flynn’s most excellent topic of underwear. Lingerie. Or in this instance, the space age eye patch for your va-ja-jay.

c-string

Awesome romance author, Sarah Grimm, sent me the link for a post about this new garment that’s sweeping the crack of society. I’ll admit to laughing until I cried. The backs of my knees, however, shivered and mumbled a grumbling protest. “Wear that thing and your ass cheeks will cut off my flow of air. Those support briefs you wear to keep everything in place are the only thing between us and them.” But think of my swagger, I countered. “Buy stock in Clorox,” the backs of my knees prompted, “’cause everyone who sees you in that eye patch will want to wash their eyes out with bleach.” Damn knees, anyhow.

lace-black So, I studied this design of the strapless G-string and its benefit to all you younger and more fit chickas. Really, there are so many benefits—and ways to up your Chick Swagger. I came up with Ten Reasons to Wear the Eye Patch:

• It’s like a piece of art with minimalist design.
• Provides great mobility and freedom of movement.
• No more restricting waist or leg bands.
• No panty lines.
• This item is a great time-saver. No more stepping into your panties and having them roll as you tug them over wet skin. Just snap these bad boys in place.
• If you enjoy tanning in the raw, this handy-dandy gadget will keep the bugs out of your “bug” while lying out in your backyard.
• Wearing it in the sun means no tan lines.
• When the bus is roaring down your street and your eight-year old can’t find her earmuffs, viola, snap one of these babies on her head and shove her out the door. Problem solved.
• Can also double as a sweatband on those hot, humid days.
• Or, if your hair curls all over the place in high humidity, this makes a great headband. The slight fishy smell you imagine you detect is merely an illusion, as are the cats that follow you.

For those of you planning your own or a loved one’s wedding. There’s also a bridal version. Since there’s bound to be a fair amount of nervous sweating on the big day, adhesive is recommended. After all, something old, something new, something borrowed, something glued.
bridal c-string

Now since we’re all about equality here at Chick Swagger, I’d be remiss in not mentioning this product also comes in a male version. Slip Big Daddy and the twins into the pocket and snap the thang into place.

men's c-string

And because I enjoy the back view so well…

male c-string back

So, what do you think? Is there room in your lingerie drawer for a handful of these babies?

Comments

  1. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

  2. ROFLMAO!! I think I laughed harder at your post than the one I sent you, V! OMG, my sides ache. Thanks for that. :)

  3. OMG. Because the FIRST thing brides want to do around their honeymoon-ready vajayjay is put a heavy duty ADHESIVE on it?!

    Just think of the stories for the grand kids.

    “Grandpa and I spent the majority of our honeymoon in the ER, surrounded by dermatologists, gynecologists, nurses, and “Solvent Guy” from Home Depot, trying to remove the “Eye Patch.” Apparently, my nervous new bride sweat super-activated the glue, such that it started to grow into my skin. That’s a lesson for you kids on safe use of undergarments. Don’t put anything next to your naughty bits that you don’t want there, permanently.”

    However, your list of helpful uses shows the versatility of this garment. Is there a specific amount of fabric actually required for something to considered a “garment?”

    Awesome. Totally awesome.

  4. Reblogged this on Chronicles of a 40-something Nurse Wannabe and commented:
    If you are not following the Chick Swagger blog. What are you waiting for? Snark of the highest caliber for all tastes. Two, enthusiastic thumbs WAY UP!

  5. Mary Roya says:

    Humm? Not sure, but what the heck, I could try one to see. Glad to see there is one for the guys too. Snicker, snicker….he has a nice tush….

  6. Reblogged this on Car'mens Hot'spot.

  7. Why can’t I think of anything remotely intelligent to say about this?! Instead all I hear in my head when I look at these is “Arrrrrgh, matey!” And speaking of planks, what happens when the guy sports some wood?! Does it stretch out? Is it spring loaded (hahaha!)? Makes me wonder if it’d be a good sling shot. Of course, it would have the added weaponry of the whole biological hazard… Ew. Just ew! Oh, this conversation could continue degenerating ad infinitum…

    • Oh, Misty, think what a great scene that would be in a book. Ohhhh…I see possibilities. If a guy sported some wood and the thing flew off like a boomerang…do you think it would come back?

  8. OMG! This is so funny. I can see it slipping off when you’re wearing a dress and landing on the floor right in front of a hot guy. Why bother wearing any underwear?

  9. OMG, Vonnie. I’m laughing so hard over here. Between your post and the comments…. ahahahhaha. Hubby wanted to know what was so funny, so I showed him. He just shook his head at me. I told him I supposed he had to be a romance writer to really get the joke.

    I’ve seen these before this post just takes the cake. Thanks for the giggle.

    • Joanne, darlin’, I’m glad you got your chuckle on. Poor Calvin had a shock, too, when I asked him to look at the post. The man actually paled. “My gawd,” he breathed. “What if you bent over the end of the rod went up your…”

  10. Can’t…breathe…laughing…too hard… ROFLOLOL! Oh my God. OH. MY. GOD! Wait…just wait… BWHAHAHAHA! You guys are the highlight of my day, I tell ya! I keep getting this visual of my 10 yr. old daughter with this thing on her head. Of course, she would bedazzle it first, perhaps add a tissue paper flower near the little pouch. Hold on, gotta wipe the tears from my eyes… LOLOLOL! I think it was the woody with the boomerang that did me in. Gads, V, I love ya! LOL Oh, this is good.

    • I’m thinking there might be a market in Scotland for these, AJ. Every man could wear one under his kilt. Now, that’s the job I want…to be in charge of measurements and fittings.

  11. Now, I know I’m getting old…it took me about five minutes of staring at the picture before I figured out what you were talking about. Then, I almost spit out my iced tea. Thanks for the laugh.

  12. georgie538 says:

    I really don’t know what to say Ladies! I think you’ve covered it though. Certainly wouldn’t want to put that through the delicate cycle of my washing machine!

  13. I. AM. SPEECHLESS.

    Wait, it’s coming…!!! Oh Geez!…ok not that! I’m laughing too hard to think over here! I can’t see for the tears and I keep remembering the time my little brother put…well, never mind. I didn’t laugh then. Seriously though–I see a cool gift for the sis! It should go nicely with the dildo I got her when she was single. *wonder if she still has Max? not that I’ll ask…* Hehe Thanks for the laugh!

    PS I’d repost this if my blog worked right that way.

    • Isn’t this a hoot, Calisa? I just can’t imagine snapping this thing on and rushing out the door. I’d be afraid it would start to creep out of position like panty hose like to creep down and the next thing you know the crotch is halfway to your knees. I’m thinking your sis might need one of these…hahahah.

      • I can’t see me slapping one on and NOT racing out the door! Yeesh! But I think Sis will get a naughty surprise. Maybe one for her and one for BIL? Should I buy that one? Hmm Awkward… hahahaha

  14. aaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha this is so funny. can you send me the html code of this post so i can reblog it one day soon? all the credit to you! haha so funyyyyy

    • Misty, can you get that for her? I don’t know how…you know me…I only know how to work things with one handle and two knobs…and Calvin’s so glad I do. *cheezy grin*

  15. i wonder how much these models had to be paid to pose with these thingys ha

    • Good question, darlin’. But for sure you’d need a recent wax job. So would that become a tax deduction? Like steel-toed shoes for a factory worker or society memberships for accountants or writing workshops for authors. Hmmmm…..

  16. I can’t decide what is funnier…the blog or the comments (no insult meant of course, Vonnie). But Calvin’s comment about “what happens if you bent over”….I was thinking what might happen if one sneezed?!?!

    • Oh, Charlotte darlin’, that’s the beauty of Chick Swagger. Our combined strength and vision and intellect and, yes, snarky humor makes this the best blog. Don’t you think? I love reading everyone’s comments. They come from such delightful, witty, intelligent women. LOVE. IT.

  17. There is nothing like a Sunday morning, pee your pants laugh. Geez. I have a trip to Home Depot on my to do list today. I am so screwed. :-)

  18. How would you explain it as you go through an airport scan and a metal detector? Does it set it off?

    • Awesome question, “hauckston4″!!! I’m flying to Paris in two months. Maybe I could…nah…I’m still trying to get over the trauma of being slammed up against the wall and frisked my homeland security at the Baton Rouge airport. They cut the linings out of my new shoes. Threw away my batteries from my camera. AND tossed my lipstick–we all know how dangerous a tube of Avon Strawberry Frost can be. Plus when I walked away from the agent holding me to help my husband whose glasses and hearing aide had both broken on the trip and was being questioned by another agent, my detainer called for backup. Agents came running, weapons drawn to subdue me. All I waned to do was explain that my hubs could neither hear the questions nor see the man’s lips move without his glasses and hearing aide. They grabbed me and my hubs roared for them to get their filthy hands off his angel–admittedly not the best thing to do in that circumstance–well, let’s say all hell broke lose. So….maybe I won’t give the eye patch a try. I seem to blindly walk into trouble without any help.

  19. Josie Matthews says:

    Ok V…a little behind the eight ball here since I was on the DL…but just one question…
    Do they make these things with extra absorbant pads so that when I jump and pee my 50-year-old self it’ll take care of that? Just think! It’ll look like I’m sporting wood when its full!

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