My, That’s A Mighty Big Banana You’ve Got There

In case you didn’t read through the comments on Renee’s post (here), I learned a new weakness of Misty’s. Apparently, she can’t even buy a certain fruit at the grocery store without snickering. So, just to make Misty giggle throughout this post, we’re going to use banana as our code word. For what? Well, if you can’t guess, I’m not telling ;)

It’s a question that plagues our modern society, as well as our email inboxes. Right, Renee? (BTW have you coaxed Mr. M to try any of those enlargement pills yet? Lol.)

Does size matter?penis-measuringbanana

And of course by size, I mean, the size of your banana. Cue Misty laughing her *ss off…

Hands up to anyone who’s ever ventured into a museum. Ever taken a gander at Michelangelo’s David? (C’mon, we’re not all staring at his hands, folks). Yup, the ancient Greeks, and the Renaissance artists who copied them, believed large bananas were grotesque and bestial.Michelangelos_David

Whoa, right? BIG change in our thinking. Ever wonder why that happened? *points finger at fellow romance writers*

Okay, okay. It’s not entirely out fault, but yeah, I think we played a teeny tiny role. I mean, when was the last time you read a romance novel and the hero was, shall we say, “on the smaller side”? Romance novels hike up the male build big time. But the truth is, while we might enjoy reading about such men, I think when presented with the reality (Cause, yeah, J.R. Ward’s Black Dagger Brotherhood comes to mind…), most of us would run screaming in the opposite direction.

As I was doing some *ahem* “research” for a story of mine, I um, “studied” why Greek wrestlers used to compete in the nude. All I can say is, man, if you had to fight someone naked, you’d probably want the smSurprise!allest package around, right? The jury’s still out on the exact length of flaccid and erect bananas (different studies have different results… Damn you, Google!) So maybe there was something to this artwork, or maybe David here was a Grower, not a Shower ;)

Sorry, ladies.

gorillabananaWhich brings us to, human males have large bananas in comparison with other primates. Poor George Gorilla over there (who weighs 300-400 lbs) only has an erect penis length of 4cm. Go figure.

So guys, if you’re feeling the small banana blues, just remember George and thank your lucky stars that human males come in a package all their own :)

Deep breath. Here we go. Does size matter?

Part 1: No. It’s how you use it.

This should be a no-brainer. It doesn’t matter what you look like, it’s the technique that counts.

In case you’ve never glimpsed a female, one of our two (and arguably the easiest to stimulate) sexual hotspots is on the OUTSIDE of our bodies. (The other being the G-spot, on the inside of the vagina). Not to mention, our greatest sexual organ is *cue drumroll* the MIND. Yep, get inside that baby and you’ll rock our worlds :)

blowfishThat being said, how long do you think the average sexual encounter lasts? Once again, our romance novels have blow-fished the truth. Doing my “Google” research, I’ve seen anywhere from 4 to 12 minutes. Say Whhaaat? Yikes. Considering it takes a woman a good 10-20 minutes to orgasm… YEAH. Way too short, guys. Work on technique, and ENDURANCE. Don’t forget foreplay! Oh, and are women capable of orgasming from thrusting alone? Absolutely, but we need you to last longer for that to happen. Or, get flexible, use those talented hands, or a toy, and give her clitoris some attention while thrusting, and there you go. Boom.

While researching, I came across this handy dandy calculator. Check it out:

Sex Duration Calculator

Part 2: No. It’s about the fit.

This is what bothers me. Men discuss all the time their banana size, and yet women are considered a one-size-fits-all. Yeah right.

While we might all be capable of birthing babies the size of small watermelons, any woman who’s actually done so will certainly not have fond memories of it. More like, screaming in agony, swearing, threatening to castrate your husband (who is watching the hockey game—true story!)… Oh wait, was that just me? ;)watermelon-240x224

There is a point, gentlemen, at which size becomes uncomfortable for us. Just like you, we are not all built the same. Roughly, our average vaginal length (6 inches, give or take) matches your average banana length. Sure, we stretch a bit during sex, but too much and we’re reminded of that bastard who got us knocked up and the doc who made us push a gigantic… Okay, again maybe that’s just me. Lol. (Sorry, Mr. S. I really do love you!)

The point is, it’s the lower third of the vagina that has the most sensitivity. So really, it’s more about the girth of your banana than the length. And the upper part? Yeah, that’s the cervix. You knock the head of your banana against that too many times and you’re likely to get kicked out. I mean, I think it’s pretty much the equivalent for us females as having someone smack you guys in the coconuts. If ya know what I mean. Not fun, and certainly not a turn on.

Whew, all this talk of fruit and I think I’ll go make myself a fruit salad!

So, I’ll pose the questions to you: What’s your take on size? Why is our current society so obsessed? Are you? And hey, WHOSE fault is it anyway?

Comments

  1. Ha! So funny, Rachael! I laughed all the way through this post.

    As someone who has previously shopped in the produce section of the male market (*wink*), I do think size matters. But I agree that it’s about girth, more so than the length. Just because a guy has an impressive “banana” doesn’t mean he knows how to use it.

    And I blame it all on the porn industry. Seriously. When was the last time anyone saw “Tiny Tim” pleasuring the female in one of those flicks. Nope. All of those men are sporting huge, ripe bananas! Um…not that I watch them or anything. LOL

    • LOL Alison! So happy to have made you laugh. And thanks for chiming in with your thoughts. Good point about the porn industry. I wonder how and why that came about though, especially since men are the main audience. Is it a fantasy thing, that they want to watch other men with big bananas? LOL, I can just picture my next Google searches… Oh dear!

  2. Ha! Banana is a great code word for those with children at home. Well, until the hubby is standing near the fruit bowl and you say, “Honey, could you pass me a banana.” and he unzips his pants.

    I agree, girth is more important than length, especially after child birth. I’ve never read J.R. Ward’s Black Dagger Brotherhood Series. Hmm, should I? Enjoyed the post!

  3. I think this is one of the best posts I have read in years!!! Can’t stop laughing. Tweeted and shared

  4. All I can say it this: After seeing Michelangelo’s David in person I feel much better about myself as a man. :)

  5. After reading this post, I don’t think I can slice up a banana in my corn flakes ever again (smile!)

  6. LOLOLOLOL! Ah yes…BANANAS! *much snickering ensues* What a wonderful fruit filled with so much…possibility. I think I’ll tell my hubs when he gets home from work that our new codeword for fucking…oops, I mean making love will be asking him to stop at the store for bananas. Hahahaha!

    I love the public service nature mixed in with the fun and humor of this post, Rachael, yay! It totally gives me an idea for my own post coming up. :)

    Now I have to tell you, one of my new favorite words is…GIRTH! Great post woman!

    • Too funny, Misty! Until Mr. D actually stops at the store and buys all of their bananas because he misinterpreted what you wanted! Or wait, would that just be my husband? ;)

      So happy to have made you laugh AND inspired you! :)

  7. Love this post! I can’t stop laughing. Who ever said it wasn’t the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean took after David. :-)

  8. ROFL!!!! Does size matter? I suppose to a point. You have to like the guy carrying the banana and they have to know how to “feed” it to you. *wink wink*
    Am I obsessed? Maybe…… I guess that’s where the fault lies. Women remarking on the bigger the better factor and men also referring back to the remark to their friends, how women loves them bigger.

    • Hi Ki! Happy to have you join us! Some great points here. Our society really is obsessed with the “bigger is better” perspective, but you’re right in that it’s the owner of the banana that counts! Thanks for your insight :)

  9. And what about the battery operated banana? Has a woman ever walked into a shop and said “do you have a 3″ one?” Sure maybe a small travel one to fit in your purse, but the home one?? Have you seen the size of some of them!!

  10. Well all this talk about “bananas” has me blushing! Haha! Love it!

  11. Awesome post. Simply awesome. During my single years between divorce and happlyland, I once told a friend in a restaurant I was looking for a man hung like John Wayne’s horse. The guy in the booth behind me leaned over and quipped, “Would you settle for a Shetland Pony?” I like a man built well enough to rattle my dishes, not break up my china cupboard. Just sayin’….

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Von…you crack me up…I once had a roomate in college who said her biggest fantasy in life was to be strapped under a horse while she and the horse had sex…after picturing the logistics in my mind I proceeded to dry heeve…just saying. It take ‘All Kinds of Kinds’ (big shout out there to Miranda Lambert!)

    • Aw, thanks Von! And I’m totally in awe. You have a fantastic story for every topic imaginable! :)

  12. Josie Matthews says:

    Okay Banana lady! The banana probably IS the most phallic item on earth…good casting! Hence why the health teacher at our high school practices condom application on the banana…
    My vote is for size CAN matter…even with the most sensual mind games on earth, no mini-gherkin-pickle is gonna scratch the right itch. But alas…if a man is smart he’ll know how to employ his other tools…hands, fingers, tongue, toys…
    And boys…never fear…like I said…those porn cameras add 10 pounds…
    And I still say God got it wrong…The penis…oh…I mean banana…shoulda been on the chin!!! Then size would NEVER matter!
    Just sayin….

  13. Shouldn’t we discuss the ripeness of the “fruit” or “vegetable,” as well? I wouldn’t want a “banana” that was, say, almost ready to become banana bread – or attracting flies, but I don’t want one that’s too “green” either. I’m dying to read the male perspective here. Or at least a word from the “cucumbers” of the world. ;)

    I leave you with an oldie, but a goodie: http://youtu.be/q64hTNEj6KQ

Trackbacks

  1. […] I got this fun-with-your-cervix idea after Rachael’s guys have big bananas post (*snicker, snort*) where she so eloquently stated: “You knock the head of your banana […]

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