Dickswagger Loves da Snarkies by Mark Henry

First off……..no, your eyes did not deceive you. Read that headline again:

Dickswagger!!!

I. Am. DYING, people, to bring you today’s guest.

We have a GUY for the first time ever. Yay!! He’s Mark Henry, an Entangled Publishing brother, and we quite love his snarky, fuck-off-bitches-I-loves-you ways.

He recently released a new paranormal romance “for the discerning sicko” called PARTS & WRECK. Do check it out. I’m starting it next week on my vacation. Can’t. WAIT.

We had to have him join us today. So, go pick your poison, sit back, relax, and enjoy our first installment of dickswagger…

283667_10150958328279464_2072934508_nDickswagger Loves da Snarkies
By Mark Henry

Today we bring you chickswagger with a penis. Dickswagger, if you will, which is frankly redundant and overdone. So I’m going to offset the natural eye-roll reaction by cramming my feet into a pair of Christian Louboutins, rubbing out some nasty blisters so I can really rev up the snark engine (additional snark can be found in my first paranormal romance, Parts & Wreck…available now wherever it is you sexy bitches buy books).

While we’re on the subject of dickswagger—and we are, I just coined the term (see above)—I’ll let you in on a little secret: nothing makes my dick swagger like a snarky potty-mouthed funny lady. Sure, she’s not for everyone, but you bet your ass hidden beneath that tough sassy exterior is a heart of gold polished to a sparkly sheen by a hundred fluttering butterfly wings…or maybe she’s just a dick.

Either way, I’m all in. ::pushes in his chips—and by chips, he means…nevermind::

There are a ton of men out here that are completely sprung by snarky, direct women who exude power and comedy and aren’t afraid to scream obscenities at bad drivers. I love ’em. There must be others. If you’re looking for statistics, you won’t find ’em here. I just make it up as I go. You’ll get the hang of it.

Now, I understand some men’s need to take the driver’s seat. Alpha and all that, and I have my moments, but I also love when a woman takes charge. I’m an onion, in that I have many layers…and I compliment most food offerings.

Where did I develop this love of the snarky vixens of comedy, you ask? TV mostly. I’m not diminishing the importance of my mostly matriarchal upbringing, I just don’t want to muddle this with mommy issues. It’s creepy. “Mommy” and “dickswagger” should never be mentioned in the same sentence let alone blog post. Oh wait…dammit. Anyways, here’s a few of my snarky obsessions, for your perusal. Feel free to take notes!

Patsy & Edina (Absolutely Fabulous)

The hilariously abusive stars (both chemically and verbally) of the British comedy series Absolutely Fabulous single-handedly kicked the snark machine into high gear. I suspect they “secretly” inspired tons of chick lit writers to invigorate their work with that super snarky tone we take for granted today. I myself used them as a framework for my first adult series (Happy Hour of the Damned). While unapologetically terrible, Patsy and Edina prove that anything can be funny. Any. Thing.

A little Patsy & Edna for your viewing pleasure!

Veronica Mars (duh…Veronica Mars)

If there’s a continuum of snarky characters and Patsy and Edina are on the mean end, then Veronica Mars is on the nicer end…not “nice” exactly, but definitely not a cruel monster. This is a girl who could level people with her words and intellect, and solve mysteries and shit. How cool is that? Plus, she goes for the complicated bad boys. That says a lot.

Whatcha think? Look interesting?

lucille-bluth

Lucille Bluth (Arrested Development) /Mallory Archer (Archer)

Let’s just come out and say it, ever since Jessica Walter made Clint Eastwood Play Misty for (Her), she made her mark as one of the snarkiest snarkers to ever snark. If you’ve not seen her in action, you’ve missed a miracle of comedy. Even animated as the ridiculous secret agent’s mother/boss on the FX comedy soon-to-be-classic, Archer, Walter’s snarky delivery steals the show. I can’t say enough about this woman, she’s Spanish Fly for your funny boner.

If you’re in the camp that dismisses snark as just bitter sarcasm then you’re not giving enough credit to the delivery or the writing. Snarky dialogue and narrative does not exist without a high degree of intellect. You don’t see stupid characters leveling someone with a sentence, it requires timing and a shitload of references from which to draw.

I’m going to need a cold shower to wash off all this dickswagger.

How about you? Not the shower part, unless you’d like to discuss that in the comments. Who are your favorite snarky characters?

And if you get a chance (like right now) pick up my latest, PARTS & WRECK. It’s a scintillating tale of amateur surgery, demon-infected transplant organs, male stripping, hairy jawbreakers and…LOVE.

————-

Parts&Wreck.Henry

Possessed by desire… pursued by demons

Wade Crowson, a brutish and brooding playboy and veteran vivisectionist for the Parts Department, runs into more than he bargained for in new partner, Lucid Montgomery, a quirky beauty with a bizarre secret and a string of psychiatric diagnoses she tries hard to keep hidden.

Loving Luce will stamp a demonic target on her back and thrust Wade into a frenzied whirlwind of hilarious misunderstandings and, quite possibly, a stripping gig for emptynesters. Can they withstand the savagery of an exorcism (with or without the split pea soup) and come out alive and …in love?

Amazon   BN   Goodreads

————-

About the Author:

Mark Henry traded a career as a counselor to scar minds with his fiction. In stories clogged with sentient zombies, impotent sex demons, transsexual werewolves and ghostly goth girls, he irreverently processes traumatic issues brought on by premature exposure to horror movies, an unwholesome fetish for polyester and/or witnessing adult cocktail parties in the swingin’ 70s. A developmental history further muddied by surviving earthquakes, typhoons, and two volcanic eruptions. He somehow continues to live and breathe in the oft maligned, yet not nearly as soggy as you’d think, Pacific Northwest, with his wife and four furry monsters that think they’re children and have a complete disregard for carpet.

————–

Yay, Mark! Now all y’all chime in! Who are your favorite snarky characters?

Comments

  1. So excited to have you join us today, Mark! For snark I love Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory. :)

  2. LOL. Poor Sheldon, I’m afraid even he is out-vagina’d by this quartet!

  3. Josie Matthews says:

    Okay…Veronica Mars bitch-slap? Im aaaaaaaaaaalll in. HEy…and if you can be dick-swagger we gotta rename us as…clit-swagger? Afterall the clit and the dick are the same organ at conception….yours just grows bigger…cheater….luuuuuuve a good wit on a person…It’s like picturin’ you in those ‘Chrissy Lu’boo’tins’ and an American Flag speedo ….yeeehaw! Now really…fess up, Henry…do you really have CL’S?. or are you just dick-swaggerin’ us? One of my favorite dickswagger-chickswagger peeps is Chelsea Handler…especially her sidekick character in the movie This Means War…she basically plays herself…hysterical…honest…in-your-face funny. Actually…I like soooo many swaggery women that I border on major chick-crushes….creepy…no sex thoughts….would just love to have them as best friends! Hey! You could be my friend, Mark! You’re worth a mid-cackle snort or two! Just lovin’ you!
    Glad you could be with us tonight….You are making my Reunite Lambrusco go down like a Chteau Latour Pauillac 1990 ….(yeah….I looked that baby up….just like you did Christian Louboutin! But seriously….those payless shoes look great!) :) Love, Josie

    • Please rename this place Clitswagger. Your uniforms will obviously be hoodies. And no, I own no such Christian Louboutin Pigales, or otherwise. He does make men’s shoes, too, I’ve heard. Red bottoms and everything so we can feel like the dirty whores in Paris, as well. Who doesn’t want to feel like a French prostitute?

  4. Josie Matthews says:

    PS…Can’t wait to read your book…Just read Gone Girl and Im totally disturbed…Need a fun paranormal to wipe off the willies!

    • I LOVED Gone Girl. So sick and smart and subversive. All the mothafuckin’ esses!

      • Josie Matthews says:

        I loved it too…trying to find someone else around here to discuss it with!!! Soooo freakin’ clever and shamelessly real…right down to the vomit with just ONE pea.

        • People had problem with the ending, but most of them don’t have experience with the romance genre. I loved that Flynn subverted the HEA and made it dark. The whole thing: BRILLIANT!

          • Josie Matthews says:

            Think about it though…how almost realistic the ending was…the reason they stuck…each one filled a dysfunctinal/nutured need in the other…she fleshed those characters out sooo well that the reader could almost be embarrassed that they actually GET why they stayed together. Scarey…I can’t decide who I liked….or hated cause I GOT them….more! (PS…I counsel lots of familes and teens…Im immersed in the world of dysfunction in my day job….Im tainted…).

            • Oh yeah. I totally bought that ending. And WTF, you’re a counselor, too. I was a child and adolescent psychotherapist for 12 years before I started writing! No shit!

  5. “I’m an onion, in that I have many layers…and I compliment most food offerings.” My favorite Mark-ism so far! Love this. Off to share with the world wide interwebs.:0

  6. Is that a mojito in your hand, Mark, or are you just happy to see us? Just raise that dickswagger in the air! And, wave it like you just don’t care!

    I want a hoodie….can it say “Pink Ladies” on it? Or perhaps a vintage red leather “Member’s Only” jacket?

    The Grande Dames of snark that immediately came to mind when I read your post were..,The Golden Girls. Slow. Clap.

    I live in Florida and have KNOWN some version of these women for years, but their show would kick all other shows in the nuts. Yes, I’m talking to you – “Sons of Anarchy.”

    Sophia’s purse wielding alone would END organized crime by 1%ers, and leave the rest of the hour for a little thing I like to call “Charlie’s nakie time,” where Charlie Hunnan does his own dickswagger. It would kill in the ratings. Bless. Their. Hearts.

    Love, Peace and Soul Grease,
    Michelle

    • Misty Dietz says:

      As usual, you have me LOLing, Michelle!! The Golden Girls were awesome. Haven’t watched an episode in forever! :)

    • I am both happy to see you and am drinking a mojito in that shot. Mmm. Golden Girls. Those dirty bitches. Yessss.

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Michele….Im ordering your hoodie now…Do you want a piercing with that? ;)

      • Depends on what’s getting pierced, Josie. I’m fine with tattoos, but I like to be the one holding the needle. ;)

        • Josie Matthews says:

          I have a girlfriend who pierced the hood of her…(looks around to be sure no one is listening) CLIT! Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. She says it stimulates her all day…Now THAT is some serious ‘gotta carry extra panties with me everyday’ swagger…

          • Josie Matthews says:

            guess its better than pocketing a portable washing machine on the spin cycle…..:) (sometimes I just crack myself up!)

          • I’d run for cover if I saw a needle heading towards my lady bits, or punch the piercer. LOL

            I have also heard that it can be very stimulating. Different strokes for different folks. ;)

  7. ” I’m an onion, in that I have many layers…and I compliment most food offerings,” has been added to my sayings Hall of Fame. It will be right up there next to Dieter’s “touch my monkey.”

  8. Mark, thanks for helping to infuse some testosterone into our estrogen dominated blog. Love the post and the teaser for your book. Sounds great!

    My favorite snarky character? Hmmm, I like the character of Karen Walker in Will and Grace. If the FCC didn’t regulate TV, I think she’d have had a real potty mouth that would have had you “up” and smiling.

  9. Oh Karen. I loved her so…much.

  10. There’s a rooster in the hen house!!! *cue the Chicks running around like crazy, primping our, um, feathers*

    So glad to have you join us, Mark! Your release sounds awesome. I’m a sucker for a witty retort or any kind of clever humour. Male or female, the kind of confident intelligence it takes is soooooo sexy! :)

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