First off……..no, your eyes did not deceive you. Read that headline again:
I. Am. DYING, people, to bring you today’s guest.
We have a GUY for the first time ever. Yay!! He’s Mark Henry, an Entangled Publishing brother, and we quite love his snarky, fuck-off-bitches-I-loves-you ways.
He recently released a new paranormal romance “for the discerning sicko” called PARTS & WRECK. Do check it out. I’m starting it next week on my vacation. Can’t. WAIT.
We had to have him join us today. So, go pick your poison, sit back, relax, and enjoy our first installment of dickswagger…
Today we bring you chickswagger with a penis. Dickswagger, if you will, which is frankly redundant and overdone. So I’m going to offset the natural eye-roll reaction by cramming my feet into a pair of Christian Louboutins, rubbing out some nasty blisters so I can really rev up the snark engine (additional snark can be found in my first paranormal romance, Parts & Wreck…available now wherever it is you sexy bitches buy books).
While we’re on the subject of dickswagger—and we are, I just coined the term (see above)—I’ll let you in on a little secret: nothing makes my dick swagger like a snarky potty-mouthed funny lady. Sure, she’s not for everyone, but you bet your ass hidden beneath that tough sassy exterior is a heart of gold polished to a sparkly sheen by a hundred fluttering butterfly wings…or maybe she’s just a dick.
Either way, I’m all in. ::pushes in his chips—and by chips, he means…nevermind::
There are a ton of men out here that are completely sprung by snarky, direct women who exude power and comedy and aren’t afraid to scream obscenities at bad drivers. I love ’em. There must be others. If you’re looking for statistics, you won’t find ’em here. I just make it up as I go. You’ll get the hang of it.
Now, I understand some men’s need to take the driver’s seat. Alpha and all that, and I have my moments, but I also love when a woman takes charge. I’m an onion, in that I have many layers…and I compliment most food offerings.
Where did I develop this love of the snarky vixens of comedy, you ask? TV mostly. I’m not diminishing the importance of my mostly matriarchal upbringing, I just don’t want to muddle this with mommy issues. It’s creepy. “Mommy” and “dickswagger” should never be mentioned in the same sentence let alone blog post. Oh wait…dammit. Anyways, here’s a few of my snarky obsessions, for your perusal. Feel free to take notes!
Patsy & Edina (Absolutely Fabulous)
The hilariously abusive stars (both chemically and verbally) of the British comedy series Absolutely Fabulous single-handedly kicked the snark machine into high gear. I suspect they “secretly” inspired tons of chick lit writers to invigorate their work with that super snarky tone we take for granted today. I myself used them as a framework for my first adult series (Happy Hour of the Damned). While unapologetically terrible, Patsy and Edina prove that anything can be funny. Any. Thing.
A little Patsy & Edna for your viewing pleasure!
Veronica Mars (duh…Veronica Mars)
If there’s a continuum of snarky characters and Patsy and Edina are on the mean end, then Veronica Mars is on the nicer end…not “nice” exactly, but definitely not a cruel monster. This is a girl who could level people with her words and intellect, and solve mysteries and shit. How cool is that? Plus, she goes for the complicated bad boys. That says a lot.
Whatcha think? Look interesting?
Lucille Bluth (Arrested Development) /Mallory Archer (Archer)
Let’s just come out and say it, ever since Jessica Walter made Clint Eastwood Play Misty for (Her), she made her mark as one of the snarkiest snarkers to ever snark. If you’ve not seen her in action, you’ve missed a miracle of comedy. Even animated as the ridiculous secret agent’s mother/boss on the FX comedy soon-to-be-classic, Archer, Walter’s snarky delivery steals the show. I can’t say enough about this woman, she’s Spanish Fly for your funny boner.
If you’re in the camp that dismisses snark as just bitter sarcasm then you’re not giving enough credit to the delivery or the writing. Snarky dialogue and narrative does not exist without a high degree of intellect. You don’t see stupid characters leveling someone with a sentence, it requires timing and a shitload of references from which to draw.
I’m going to need a cold shower to wash off all this dickswagger.
How about you? Not the shower part, unless you’d like to discuss that in the comments. Who are your favorite snarky characters?
And if you get a chance (like right now) pick up my latest, PARTS & WRECK. It’s a scintillating tale of amateur surgery, demon-infected transplant organs, male stripping, hairy jawbreakers and…LOVE.
Possessed by desire… pursued by demons
Wade Crowson, a brutish and brooding playboy and veteran vivisectionist for the Parts Department, runs into more than he bargained for in new partner, Lucid Montgomery, a quirky beauty with a bizarre secret and a string of psychiatric diagnoses she tries hard to keep hidden.
Loving Luce will stamp a demonic target on her back and thrust Wade into a frenzied whirlwind of hilarious misunderstandings and, quite possibly, a stripping gig for emptynesters. Can they withstand the savagery of an exorcism (with or without the split pea soup) and come out alive and …in love?
About the Author:
Mark Henry traded a career as a counselor to scar minds with his fiction. In stories clogged with sentient zombies, impotent sex demons, transsexual werewolves and ghostly goth girls, he irreverently processes traumatic issues brought on by premature exposure to horror movies, an unwholesome fetish for polyester and/or witnessing adult cocktail parties in the swingin’ 70s. A developmental history further muddied by surviving earthquakes, typhoons, and two volcanic eruptions. He somehow continues to live and breathe in the oft maligned, yet not nearly as soggy as you’d think, Pacific Northwest, with his wife and four furry monsters that think they’re children and have a complete disregard for carpet.
Yay, Mark! Now all y’all chime in! Who are your favorite snarky characters?