Your significant other’s best friend has just called to inform you that you are being cheated on.
So what the hell do you do now?
A common first response is “No fucking way…” because who would think that the man/woman you’ve been committed to, shared a life with, might have kids with, showered with, played with, payed bills with, picked out curtains with, shared your most secret thoughts with would EVER cheat on you?
It happens people…more than we care to acknowledge. (my research has indicated that 15 out of 18 people I interviewed couldn’t be sure that they’d never been cheated on!)
But it’s happened…and thanks to a very brave friend, you now know about it. So what do you do?
In my opinion this question is, for lack of a better word, a very lonely one. For no matter what you decide to do, someone will most likely not agree with your choice, you will lose family, some friends, you will second guess yourself. But most likely your first thought will be
What did I do wrong?
If there is one thing you take away from the chicks today, let it be this. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Every relationship has its difficulties. They all have their ups and downs. In a committed relationship you are committing to fidelity as well as hard work, communication and loyalty.
You got a problem with the relationship? FIX IT OR GET OUT! Don’t cheat!
This is going to be a 2 part series where next month, our savvy Vonnie Davis will discuss what makes a person cheat. She will delve into research so we can better understand the psychology behind a cheater.
But in the meantime, let’s talk about the fallout of infidelity.
What is it about infidelity that cuts right to the heart of every person it touches? The victim, the cheater, the family, the friends, the children and even the cheater’s subject. No one is left unscathed, and it changes a person’s perspective about life forever.
We’ve all been there, in one of these roles, and it’s never a nice place to be.
noun, plural in·fi·del·i·ties.
So where does that leave you? The one with your heart ripped out, your confidence shredded, and your trust in people dismembered. (Not to mention that nauseous feeling when you picture your man/woman tangled in the sheets, sharing something so intimate with someone else.)
And hence starts the change in the victim. Your trusting, free-flowing, honest ability to love has been impaired. A new learned response to loving someone has just been forged, and it ain’t pretty. You now don’t trust your instincts, you are confused about your boundaries, mistrusting, paranoid, and insecure. Your whole outlook on life has just changed as well as the way we react to all relationships in the future. You have been irrevocably changed, and not by choice.
So what do you do?
You cry, you curse, you hate, you grieve, you scream, you throw darts at photos and you will ABSOLUTELY sing and dance to the brilliant Gloria Gaynor: I WILL SURVIVE, at least 5 times a day. That’s an order!
…then you ask Rachel Slate to come spray you with ‘You ARE Special!’ glitter, and you gather your loved ones around you and focus on yourself (pedicure, massage, new haircut, awesome workout routine…). Because cheating is NOT because of you. It’s all on them…
You don’t trash on social media, you don’t rehash what you think you did wrong, you don’t regret. You deal with the pain and move on. You get help from your family, friends or a professional. You focus on the positive things in your life. You make no important decisions about anything at this time, because grief does strange things to your decision making abilities. You sit back, nurture yourself and just be. In time you will see things more clearly and be able to make the tough decisions.