His and Hers: Erogenous Zones

Gearing down from the holiday season, I’m here to help wind you up for Valentine’s. We’re talking erogenous zones. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, but NOT THOSE. Come on, try a little harder. While men may not admit it, they do like being touched elsewhere on their bodies. And ladies, we’ve never been known to turn down a massage, right? By avoiding those more obvious areas, you can really turn up the heat and the tension. So let’s take a closer look at other ways of pleasuring your partner (or yourself!).

Hope SpringsmovieI recently watched Hope Springs, wherein Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones play a long-time married couple who’ve lost their intimacy so badly they don’t even physically touch each other anymore. It was a super-sweet and funny movie, but the story’s lessons got me thinking. In these hectic times, finding the opportunity to be intimate can be hard, but making sure that we touch each other is just as important!

My husband and I are very physical people, and even we sometimes struggle to remember to get in that close contact. Sometimes I go, Yikes, when was the last time we kissed, honey? And that’s when I know to turn it up and MAKE intimacy a priority. True, it’s hard, especially when my two little ones become my fifth and sixth limbs, and hubby sometimes has to fight his way in for a hug. But I’m grateful that he does. I’m a firm believer in showing how you feel, including giving my kids big hugs and kisses that will be sure to humiliate them when they’re teenagers 🙂

Getting back to the movie, our first impressions are that the relationship issues are the grumpy old man’s fault. The husband and wife live in the same house, but in separate worlds, and they even sleep in separate beds. The unhappy wife signs them up for marriage counseling, and it’s during these sessions that we’re reminded of the two-way street a relationship is. Its success, or failure, happens because of BOTH partners. In the case of this movie, the wife has trouble embracing her own sexuality and sharing that with her husband.

And there you have it. Ladies, men are sexual creatures, and if we don’t accept that we are too, we can lose them. Check out this post by Josie (here), where she complains, explains how society’s view of the sexual woman hinders our own growth and acceptance. Not to give out too many spoilers for the movie, but when the relationship’s issues are pinpointed, and both partners make an effort, no matter if they’re actually good at it—it’s the trying that counts—that’s when true intimacy happens.

And it all starts with a simple touch.Jane and Tarzan

So I’ve polled the Chicks on their favorite non-sexual body part to be stimulated by their partner, and vice-versa. Here’s what we came up with:


Who doesn’t smile at the sight of an elderly couple who still hold hands? Hold hands more often. That’s definitely one of my New Year’s resolutions. And who knows, a simple hand-holding can lead to more naughty activities, like taking that finger you’ve just nibbled and sucked and showing your partner exactly where and how you like to be touched.

Hands are chock full of nerve endings and therefore sensitivity. They’re the ultimate way we learn about our universe, and it starts from day one. Just ask my three-year-old son who doesn’t understand the words, “Don’t touch”.

For men, they are especially prone to kinesthetic learning, i.e. learning by physically touching and manipulating something. Like tossing aside those instruction manuals and getting their hands dirty. Of course, I’m not going to point out that few men are successful with this technique… That’s a whole other post *wink* But hey, wouldn’t you want him tossing aside the manual and exploring YOU?


Uh-huh, ladies, we’re not the only ones with nipples. And we’re not alone in enjoying stimulation there. Licking, sucking, nibbling, the possibilities are endless. And Josie, didn’t you mention something in that post about whipped cream?

Remember this is a super-sensitive area (just ask any long-distance runner who needs nipple guards!), so be gentle. Unless your partner doesn’t like gentle. Yeah, you got it.

Some of the Chicks’ smart-ass clever husbands also commented that they enjoy the anticipation of their woman’s hands traveling lower. *Ahem* You totally didn’t get the point of this exercise, guys.


Stereotype is the man giving the woman a massage, but one of the Chicks said this is her man’s favorite. So break out the massage oil (which you hopefully got in your stocking), light a candle, and uncover those naughty feet. Which reminds me, there are candles actually made of edible wax…


Ahhh. I could literally sit for hours while my hubby strokes my scalp or plays with my hair (not that hubby would *sigh*). Unfortunately, my daughter is still at the *scrape her brush down her doll’s hair until it comes out* stage, and yeah, I’m not so interested in going bald. But hubby knows a couple minutes of comforting stroking will give his hands permission to venture elsewhere, if you know what I mean.

If that fails, there are even these freaky head massagers you can buy for yourselfhead_massager


Working our way down from the scalp, the neck and/or spine is a classic. What woman doesn’t shiver at the thought of her man kissing the side of her neck? Or trailing his fingers down her back? It must be in every old movie, where the man sweeps aside the woman’s hair and kisses her neck. *sigh* Guys, are you paying attention? There’s a reason for that, you know.


What could possibly be more tantalizing than spending a few minutes down there, near THERE, and keeping your partner on the edge as to when you’ll actually get there? Better yet, next time you’re at a dinner party or restaurant, casually place your hand on your partner’s thigh, and when you’ve got their attention, gradually move it upward. The anticipation (and naughty associations with a public place) will kill him/her.

So there you have it. Touching doesn’t have to be limited to the bedroom, or even to sexual acts. Touch your partner anytime, anywhere, and with frequency to remind them that you want to be near them. And guys, listen up. When a woman feels closer to you, her brain and her body complete the equation and that will mean some more intimate time for you.

Here’s the equation for this post: Expressing what’s in your heart through physical affection = more (and better!) intimacy.

And world peace. 🙂

What do you think? Do you have any secrets for supporting and/or increasing intimacy in your relationships? What erogenous zones have we missed?



  1. My boyfriend & I are always holding hands. Whether we’re driving, or walking, we like to hold hands. It just makes me feel so connected.
    Also, he LOVES having his scalp rubbed/scratched. I run my fingernails all over his head while we’re in bed and it just relaxes him so much.

    • Awww… I’m SO glad to hear that. Couples hand-holding always gives me warm fuzzy feelings 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

    • I love holding hands too. And you’re right there is something very intimate and connecting in this simple act.

    • Ditto! I also somehow feel that holding hands with your partner in public is somehow making the world a better place because of the outward expression of love, care, and affection. Like you said, Rach, I can’t help but feel it contributes to “world peace.”:)

  2. I’m with you on the scalp. And the inside of my wrist and ankles. I have tattoos in those spots in case someone needs directions. Haha.

  3. Great post Rachael! I really believe that touch is so essential in a marriage, especially if you have been married a long time. A simple kiss, a touch on the arm, even a quick caress as you pass by each other can always lead to more intimacy.

    • Totally! And as I’m learning, the longer you’re together, the more important touch becomes. It’s just such a simple way to remind each other why you’re together 🙂 Hubby and I are going on ten years, yikes, that’s a decade, isn’t it? The best part is, I still feel those sparks every time he reaches for my hand…

  4. Love the post, Rachel! And the image of Tarzan is so appropriate! Even when two people don’t speak the same language, touch is a human universal. Thanks for the reminder! 🙂

  5. My wife and I have developed code words, and even code touches, for use in those moments when we’re feeling a particular emotion or desire but it may not be appropriate/possible to share that (like when kids are around, or in public). Little things that we assign bigger meanings to. Simple brush of the neck, or linking fingers, things like that. Innocuous things other people might not notice but mean the world to us.

    • What a clever way of keeping those sparks alive! Code touches, awesome! Can totally see my hubby digging that one. Like James Bond 😉 Thanks for sharing… Now to think of some of my own “codes” 🙂

    • Josie Matthews says:

      dear thewritepursuit!….this is so cool! and sexy!! and covert!!! Love this idea….

  6. Excellent post! My hubs is a writer also. When I take a fresh cup of coffee into his den and set it on his desk, he grunts a “thank you” while fingertips pound hte keyboard. But before I straighten to turn, he grabs my hand and brings it to his lips for a kiss on my palm. I run my other hand over his gray ‘fro. No audible words are spoken, but intimacy is shared. We’re great hand holders wherever we go. And I can’t go to sleep if his hand isn’t on my bumm, a possessive gesture that also keeps us connected.

  7. Josie Matthews says:

    okay chicks….comin’ atya from a different ‘psychological’ angle here. Being raised in a family where my dad’s parents were certifiably strict germans (stabbing forks in hands if they reached across the table, abandonment for pursuit of business ventures, called police on their own children if they borrowed the car without asking….) and my mom’s parents were so busy being poverty stricken sending her and her sisters out to work at the ripe old age of 12….there wasnt much time for emotions…physical or verbal for them growing up thereby leaving not much for me and my sibs. That said…I CRINGE when people touch me!!!! It’s so terrible! When I see families hug hello or goodbye, or God-forbid, kiss ON THE LIPS I stare in awe! My hubby gets so mad at me…snuggling and cuddling is ONLY allowed in the bed if Im cold and only for maybe….2 minutes till I feel like Im gonna have a panic attack! I’m weird…and Im trying VERY hard not to let the cultural pattern repeat with my own kids but its a challenge. But let this be a lesson to you all — Hug and kiss and snuggle with your children so they learn the importance of expressing their emotions physically as well as verbally…(PS…we NEVER said I LOVE YOU in our house growing up. It’s actually a big joke now with my sibs and my parents, but it is sad.) So if and when we meet in person…if you hug me and I feel a little stiff…you’ll know why! Maybe THAT’S why I like to read and write romance…

    • Noooo!!!!! *wrestles to hold down a touch-starved Josie in a virtual hug* Don’t worry, girl. I got your back. We’ll practise these virtual hugs until you get learn to LOVE them 😉 Because, hey, you’re part of the Chick Swagger family, and we HUG.

  8. I am reminded of the old joke that says, “Erogenous zones: Men have two. Women have over 100, but they don’t know where any of them are, and if a man happens to stumble upon one it will relocate within 24 hours.” That being said, my wife and I still hold hands everywhere we go — and we’ve been married for over 30 years (but it still feels like we are on our honeymoon).

  9. I think All Seasons Cyclist is a sweetheart!

  10. This article is so on point. Only I wish I had read it before I got married.
    When I was single I could hardly wait for a boyfriend to come over. I knew exactly where we’d end up before the night was over.
    Then I got married and everything in my brain changed. I don’t know why. The day after we were married we spent the day with his parents. I was lonely and didn’t want to go back to our apartment. That’s just unacceptable. (My husband used to be compared to Tom Selleck) I should have been going crazy to be alone with my new husband. I had no idea how needy men were and how much they needed to be stroked (Ego wise) I wish I had, it would have been so easy. He should have come first but I didn’t place him in that order. There was cooking and cleaning and a full time job. I was tired and didn’t realize I was losing him until it was too late to fix. He found someone to fill his needs but didn’t plan on divorcing me because of our child.
    Even when he said he would not see her again, I still had a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that I was supposed to be sweet and loving and agreeable to him. I tried but I couldn’t forget what he’d done. In the end he went back to her while I just existed.
    You have to know this didn’t work out well. Everyone was hurt in the end. There are so so many things I wish I had done differently.

    • Hi Brenda. I’m so sorry you went through such a difficult situation, but I hope that you have come out of it stronger for your future relationships. Thanks for sharing.


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