Where The Hell Is My Background Music?


Here it is people…the much anticipated, much awaited, first day of spring! I don’t know about you guys, but winter in the Northeast is brutal. I made it in one piece, my 50th birthday behind me, and the kicker about it all? I’m going crazy with Katy Perry’s Firework for my background music…you in?

Yeah…turning 50 with an almost empty nest, a mid-life crisis, and not to mention the bipolor disorder that lurks in the genetics, I’m well primed for an all out revolution!

So, I’m making some changes; physically, emotionally and mentally.  A sort-of overhaul/makeover if you will.  I’m pampering the body, tightening the diet, acknowledging the emotions and remembering my meds!

AND…I’m bringing ya’ll along for the ride…..Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

First stop? Pampering the body… Now, not everybody is as lucky as me to have a hubby as thoughtful and full of wisdom as Mr. M.  No, no, no…my man is always quick with those inspirational words to get me through my day and on to a better one…Like the time I was standing in my undies trying to decide which pants were gonna fit me this week and he observantly commented,Babe! For God’s sake! You look like you got Buckwheat in a headlock! It’s time for your waxing isnt it?” 


Yeah…I know what you’re thinking…God, Josie is so lucky to have a man like him! 

So lucky, in fact, that I pilfered forty bucks from the old man and dragged my ass right to Gata Bella! (The Pretty Kitty!) 

Yes that’s right…I prettied my kitty with help from my friend Halima S. and I’m due again in a few days for my Full-out, balls-to-the-wall, soft-as-a-baby’s-butt Bikini Wax!    

God…it was SO good…I’m gonna do it again and again and again.  And I’d love to bring you with me! But considering travel would be an added expense…I’ll let you live vicariously through my experience.

Now, Halima has been waxing her clientele for a while now…completely certified (which is definitely a must when dealing with nudity and hox wax) and she’s so warm and welcoming. ‘Cause let face it, gang…going to someone’s house and laying naked from the waist down with your legs spread like a Thanksgiving turkey screams for a converstaion starter other than “My, what big lips you have!”

embarrassedWe chose instead to discuss more important things to keep my mind off the state of my exposed vajayjay. Things like child rearing, the problems facing teens, world hunger, boob lifts and if every woman looks the same down there or not. (Evidently, we all look different. Halima can even tell if a woman is very sexually active or not sexually active at all by the terrain between their legs! I was too chicken to ask!)

My waxologist wasted no time as she positioned my extremites and stirred the blue wax while eyeing up her starting point.  Now mind you, She had alot of turf to cover considering she really should’ve charged me for a bikini wax AND a leg wax! My Italian ancestors must have believed that that inner-thigh-pubic-hair-to-the-knees trait was neccessary for survival being those genetics were virile enough to survive through the generations. Maybe to ward off invaders crawling up from the feet or something.?sheep

Anyhoo…Halima got down to business…and when I say business, I mean we could’ve crocheted a handy afghan or a few hundred pairs of mittens from the stuff she removed. Hey! You do it with rabbit fur and llama fur and sheeps wool…why not girly wool?

Okay…sorry…back on topic.  Now this cool blue stuff she waxused was real potent stuff. Went on warm, cooled as it cemented itself to those hairs then removed those little buggars from their follicle in one flick of Halima’s graceful wrist.

Now that’s not to say that all my special girls where as compliant as others. Every once in a while we ran into a roadblock, you know…those few hairs who hang on for dear life and take your whole labia with them during the yanking phase…yeah…you get it….ouch. Lucky for me…Halima was a seasoned warrior…no flap or fold went un-examined. For an hour, Halima and I bonded over blue wax carpeted with a plethora of little hairs. My best defense against vaginal and urethral infection was just thrown in the trash.

Now I bring this up not to be gross, but to enlighten you with a bit of my medical expertise. Here again, we are altering nature’s good intentions in search of our interpretation of beauty. But is a naked Vajayjay beautiful? I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder…”Hey Mr. M!!! You likey??”   

More blue goo, more cooling, more yanking (alot of surface area down there gang!)…The party went on and on and on. I thought we were all done when I admired downy soft skin beyond my navel. 

That’s when Halima announced, “Okay…lift your feet up and pull your knees to your chest.”

And that’s when I knew Halima and I would forever be bound. For no one at my age flashes their %&#hole at just anybody. There has to be that special…connection.

So, I hoisted my legs into the air (yeah…thanks for the visual…right?) as far as I could while I watched her cute little head disappear beneath the horizon line created by my thighs. More blue, more cooling, more yanking…Who the hell knew?

Then Wa-la! Clean as a whistle. (I never pictured a whistle as clean…sort of full of spit more like it…but the idom works…)

When Halima gave me the okay, I manuevered my bare butt off the table then turned to see her wonderful work in the full length mirror that hung on the back of her door. (I do believe full length mirrors should be outlawed.)

“Holy Shit! I got a flounder between my legs!”flounder

Thank God her two little girls weren’t in the room, but I do believe her handsome hubby had to hear me from the kitchen…I wonder what he thinks about the whole she-bang she’s got going on in their bedroom?

But, seriously, no lie…flounder all the way! When I asked my good friend ‘Maggie’ if all women’s hoo-haas look the same she responded, “No…I’m a coin purse, everything is tucked away inside. And my friend is a flower, everything right out there in the open!”

coinpurseOkay…coin purse – cute, especially the pretty, little beaded ones. Flower?flower beautiful as well…

But fucking flounder? Just my luck…

Lucky for me Mr. M. likes to fish…!     flounder2

I’d recommed a brazillian bikini wax to everyone…MEN included! (Mr.M. had his back waxed! He’s so cute I think the waxologist had more fun than him!) Being nekkid down yonder is soft and clean and oh, so…sensual!  Pain you ask? Nothing compared to what I was imagining.  Totally worth it! (Halima said I was a good girl…I didn’t scream or flinch! Next time maybe I’ll get a lollypop!)

Now, this may not be for everyone, but it is definitely for me. The cleanliness alone is a big plus. The sensitivity? Purrrrrrr…(hubby loves it as much as me!) And as far as growing back in?Brazilian Took about 3 weeks before I started noticing growth. No stubblies, no itching, and on the 4th week – it feels like downy fur! Much less course-wireyness for some reason.  Halima is my hero! If you’re not into going totally bare see if your waxologist will do a heart, or your initials or your lover’s initials.  These professionals are very talented.(check out Gatta Bella’s pics on www.TammeStittPhotgraphy.com

I’m proud of myself, I took a risk. I tried something I’ve always wanted to, I stretched out of my comfort zone and put a little ‘sparkyness’ into my day.  It may not be something every fifty-year-old woman would think of trying, but hey…like my kids say…YOLO…You Only Live Once!

So that takes care of my ‘pampering of the body’ metamorphisis. Stay tuned for my next post when we will delve into ‘tightening the diet.’ And when I say diet, I don’t mean deprive…I mean nourish, where I’ll don my nurses cap and fill you guys in on the food we’re putting into our bodies,and the food we’re not! (PS I’m great at teaching it…but I suck at following my own advice! Hence the extra 10 lbs Im lugging around right now!) (yeah, yeah…I know…you’re wondering when we are gonna talk about sex and orgasms and toys, again right? I’m sure my swagger sisters are researching and testing the sensual-waters as we speak…I’m off to read a hot book my hubby bought me…that’s MR. M.’s signal for, “Babe…Missin’ you…it’s time to put out!”

So much Mr. M…. so little time! 🙂 P.S. Not sure if I mentioned this, but once when horseshoeI teasing my hubby that I was going to get a navel ring, he graciously enlightened me, Babe…a ring? You’d need a horshoe if you want anyone to see it!”  Yeah…he thinks he’s hysterical.  And you’d think he’d have learned by now not to mess with my fragile, female sensitivities…that time I rocked the bank account for a whole-lotta-dough and got myself one of them-there tummy tucks!!!  He’s so good to me!)

Love you all! Josie.

What is something you’ve always wanted to do, but were too afraid to? Maybe because of your age? others wouldn’t approve? you don’t think it would be sensible? you think you don’t deserve it?

What is your opinion of a nekkid Na-Na?

What’s your lover’s signal when they need your personal attention? 



  1. So I’m squirming the whole time I’m reading this. I might have mentioned before that I’d only do this if I had an epidural. My hubby has hinted at it. One day me and DH watched Showtime’s Californication. I guess a lot of California ladies do this, since the main character Hank has sex with someone with her pubic hair and he says something like, “finally a woman who doesn’t look like she’s twelve.” I remind my hubby about that line every time he hints he’d like me to get a Brazilian. I also ask if he’d like me to pull the hair off his legs. That question usually puts an end to the conversation. If I was braver I’d probably attempt this. Definitely won’t let my hubby read this post, since it might start up the whole conversation again, and he’d say see Josie did it for Mr. M. Great post, Josie.

    • Hahaha, Renee, I hear ya! My guy said the same thing the guy in Californication said. In fact, his response was “why the *hell* would you do that?” LOL. If he doesn’t mind while he’s down there, why the hell should I? 🙂

      • Josie Matthews says:

        Misty! Any man who loves us just the way we are is a prince in my book!!! I may joke about my Mr. M. and his funny comments but he loves me to death…hairy, chubby, no makeup, crabby, lazy…whatever I throw at him…he still wants me! Love him!!!! You go Swagger guys!!!

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Oh Renee! You are too cute! My previous waxologist refused to do a brazilian on me for that exact reason! She said “Grown women arent suppose to look like five year olds!” I just spoke with a friend of mine here at school who visited Halima last night (Hi Laura!!!) She said…”I just feel so sexy today!” And she is right! It’s like having a little naughty secret in your pants!!!
      It really doesnt hurt that much!
      Have your Mr. M. call my Mr. M.!!! (tee hee)
      Luv you!

    • Forget his legs, Renee! Challenge him to a brazilian too! I’ll do mine if you do yours…. Totally would prod Mr. S. for this but I don’t think the guys in his hockey locker room would ever let him live it down!

  2. Let me see if I can stop chuckling long enough to write something coherant. No, I’ve never been waxed. Grass doesn’t grow on a landing strip, don’t ‘cha know…no matter if you’re dealing with a Boeing 747 or a Piper Cub. Oh Lawd, I loved your post. Just loved it. How do I know when hubs is in the mood? The tube of lubricant resting on my pillow. Men…they have a way about them, don’t they???

    • Josie Matthews says:

      ACK!!! Vonnie!!! What is it about the pillow messages? Cant the boys romance us somewhere else but in the bed? I’d love to see the lube left next to the washer then have him throw me up on top and ravish me…or how about outside on the hood of the car? I could see a nice naughty romance with a big red bow on the hood of my sante fe….couldnt you? Then he’d life me to the hood and plant my feet on the bumper…..Oh!!! sorry gang….forgot where I was there for a minute! Yeah…men…theyre so cute and horrible at verbal communication, but who cares…they love us!!!
      Hugs Von!!!

  3. ROFLOL. Okay, I am adding this blog to my most favorited list! That was hilarious, Josie and definitely something I am going to look into based on your recommendation. Er…was that TMI? Sorry!

    • Josie Matthews says:

      AJ! NOTHING is TMI where Im concerned!!! Cant ya tell??? I make my sister cringe with the crap that comes out of my mouth. Im an open book! Go for it girl! You’ll never know till you try! My tune up is tonight!!! Cant wait! (well…not so much for the ripping part but for the smoooooooooth part after…) I guess Im a really big fan cause I was blessed with a really full bu$%….:)
      Lov ya! J

      • Hilarious post, Josie! You’re one brave lady, not only for going all bare down there, but for disclosing ALL for us to read 🙂 Good luck with your second time, Josie. I hear it gets better each time.

        I’m with you AJ, someday I just might scrounge up that courage, and wouldn’t Mr. S. be one lucky hubby if I did!

  4. Love this post. I laughed ’til I cried. I’ve never had the courage to expose myself to a stranger so I stick to my bic, (razor). What’s my hubbies subtle request? “Hey, you wanna play?”

  5. “no one at my age flashes their %&#hole at just anybody.” —- OMGLMFAO!

    I’ll stick with the mohawk my man adores, thank you very much, but high-five to you, girlfriend, for livin’ it up. I’m sure Mr. M is DOWN. WITH. THAT. 😀

    YOLO – my new favorite acronym! Love you, J!

  6. BTW, Josie, ask Halima next time how she can tell someone’s sexually active. 🙂

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Sandra OOOhh…love a man who whispers sweet nothings!!!! I beg Mr. M. for the words…and he usually says…”Wadya want me to say?” Silly man…give him a few scotches though and watch the boy chatter!!! It is strange to lay there with the parts COMPLETELY exposed….God…what lengths women go to … for beauty? Dont know if I’d call it that…maybe for some women…for me its just neat and tidy. Now that anal bleaching stuff? Not in a million years

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Misty,I go again tonight!!! Ill get more iinfo from her…Im sure she is gonna tell me I look rode hard and put away wet….50 years will do that to a girl!!! (im sooo crass today!)

  7. Samantha says:

    I got a bikini wax once. Once.

    I should have known. When I get my eyebrows waxed, I end up with a whole bunch of pimple-like thingies between, under, and over my eyebrows for the weekend (since I always have to do it bright and early Saturday morning so it’s mostly cleared up by Monday when I have to show my face at work). And yes, this happens at every single place I’ve ever been to, and it happens no matter what delightful soothing gel they put on me.

    By the time my “downy fur” was growing back from my bikini wax, most of the painful, red spots were gone. Most of them. 😦

    So, I’m jealous of everyone else on the planet whose bodies don’t punish them for wanting to be hair-free!

    • Samantha, it’s okay, lots of other fun things to do with your Southern Belle! Here’s a post I did about this a while back: https://chickswagger.com/2012/03/07/prettying-your-petunia-yes-thats-what-i-mean/


    • Josie Matthews says:

      Samantha, I hear you there girl! I bet you have very sensitive skin so steer clear and check out Misty’s Prettying Your Petunia!!! I think the fairer skin types are a bit more sensitive to the treacheries of waxing all around. I tend to have that tough, old, olive skin that could probably handle a branding without acting up. (that’ll be the next big fad for body art! In fact I think it already is!)
      Be good to your skin! Its very special! Im thinking a cute little lace merkin! Right Swagger girls? or maybe a snazzy little Vajazzel design in crytals! A Loofah will do wonders for your skin’s health. It will desensitize it over time and remove dead skin cells which tend to block your pores from excreting fluids…this is where the ingrown hairs and little pimples pop up from. It will keep your skin smooth and shiny! I use one in the shower with my body soap everyday and i make sure I get my bikini line to avoid those red spots. I follow that up with rubbing Johnson’s baby oil gel all over my body while Im still wet so it gets sealed onto my skin then I pat dry. I have really soft skin!
      And don’t fret over the hair-free thing! It’s not for everyone. I keep scissors in my shower to keep things nice and trimmed up! This waxing thing is only for special times for me.
      God…its SO much upkeep to be a girl!!!!
      Love coming at ya! J

  8. I have always wondered about this. Never had the nerve to try it. I remember just trying to find a new gynocologist once. I was young, early 20’s. Went down the list of names at the clinic and made an appointment with the most foreign sounding name possible. I thought – I could handle that. The guy turned out to be a Swedish hunk -and he lived two blocks from me! Anyway, you are brave. Thank you for sharing this – I always wanted to know the process.

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Oh Kylie! Thats my BIGGEST fear…Getting a hunk for a doctor and having to get naked! Id be mortified! Especially gynocologist! With my recent weight gain he’d have to roll me in flour and find the wet spot to get the job done! (yeah…i know…sick mind that i have…) Women, I can be relative comfy with when the armor is missing…but men…specifically handsome men? Ughhh…
      Okay…so what is it about foreigners that we think…’hmmm…foreign…different species… different language…probably won’t know they are looking at a woman’s vajayjay and that stuff goes on down there…’ Like, if they are from another country they wouldn’t think of your na-na as a whoo-haa? I totally get that! Weird huh? You are too cute. At my age…a trip to the gyno is like a trip to the hairdresses to cover the gray…necessary boring upkeep on the vintage parts!
      Ciao Bella!!! J.


  10. OMG – My stomach hurts so much from trying to stop the laughter (hubby is reading on the ipad). I must have snorted a little too often so I had to read out the post to him and let me tell you, thats not so easy when your voice is getting higher and higher with hysterical laughter 🙂
    My beautician checks with me every so often about whether I’m brave enough yet to go the whole Brazilian but after reading this, I reckon my answer is going to stay, No way in Hell! 🙂

    • Josie Matthews says:

      LaVerne!!! I’m so glad I could entertain you guys! Life is fun…isnt it??? I figure hey…what the hell do I have to lose? Now…if I start going on about some crazy thing like nose peircings or God forbid those ‘pajama jeans’ promise me you’ll get an intervention going!!! And as far as the pain…really…its just when she gets to those inner ‘lips’ that it hurts…I swear! The rest is a piece of cake! Okay…now THAT was TMI! Love ya!

  11. My 2 friends and I went and got waxed together…..all together in the room while each one got it done. We laughed til we cried at our one friend who was so overgrown down there that the lady went at her with hair clippers first…..literally like a lawn mower. Talk about female bonding that day…..we will never forget it. 🙂

  12. Josie Matthews says:

    Jen! I can hear your infectious laugh from here girlfriend! I miss it sooo much! CLIPPERS! What a great idea!!! Like I said…I keep scissors in the shower for a little hedge trimmin’ now and then to keep Buckwheat under control! When your ready for the complete Gata Bella…let me know! We’ll go together!!!
    Love you jenny!!

  13. Josie Matthews says:

    Halima just texted me!!! She clarified that she can tell those women who are used to have lots of ‘relations’ because they are more confident and comfortable on her table…they seem more relaxed and less tense. Shit! She must think Im a regular old hoochy-mama!!! Halima! SHHHHH…dont tell my hubby! 🙂

  14. Just so you know, I giggled throughout this whole post.

    I’m so glad you had a good experience. My first time was TORTURE.

    That aside, did you know I’m also a “waxpert”!? Haha! I have a studio in my home that I’m working out of. I think I’ve seen more vaginas than any man in their entire life lol

  15. Emily Allen says:

    Great post. You had me laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. 🙂

  16. Holy cow!!! Finished wiping the tears from my face…read this aloud to the hubs. He is now wiping off tears. Going to show this to my ‘waxer person’. Boy can I relate to EVERY SINGLE WORD as you described it. Fortunately my hubby likes to fish also! Great post!!!

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Anna!!! That’s so cool! Our very own waxologist! So tell me … Why do we all look so different down there? Have u noticed any patterns or trends? I also heard some of us r very dark and some very pale in skin tone regardless of our skin color….I waxed a friend once…. She is still missing an eyebrow from it….training is oh so neccessary!!!!
      Ciao Bella Anna !

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Lucy! Are you a flounder too??? Wouldn’t it be fun to be a coin purse? I suppose years ago I might have been a cute little coin purse but after fifty years of gravity and pressure from above that coin purse snap just let loose and spilled! Hey! I wounded if you can get a vanquish lift???? I bet ya any money out in Hollywood they’re doing it! Maybe a twofer:free anal bleaching with every V lift!!!!
      Thanks for being with us Lucy!!!! J

  17. Josie,
    I consider myself a toughie,, but you are tougher than me. I step on a nail, pull it out and keep on walking. I have burned myself several times due to being a science teacher, even drank sulphuric acid once. It was a student prank either. Talking was problematic or a while. Saying all that, I am in awe of you.

    • Josie Matthews says:

      Oh Morgan….you could do it! It’s kind of like stepping on 100 nails and bathing in sulphuric acid! No….I’m only kidding. Truly I think it’s all in the breathing…you watcher you technician closely…just when she peps back that first corner and gets ready to pull you inhale real sharp like….then exhale when the pain really sets in…if you’re lucky, after a while you’ll pass out and all will be good!😜 Love u Morgan!!!!

  18. These are actually great ideas in about blogging. You have touched some pleasant factors
    here. Any way keep up wrinting.

  19. Gail Thomason says:

    So funny, I laughed and laughed. I got my first Brazilian for my 60th birthday and haven’t looked back. I love it. Thanks for taking me back through that first experience.


  1. […] for example, Josie’s experiences with waxing. What was it your waxologist called us ladies? Some of us are coin-purses, flowers, or, um, […]

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