All’s I’m Sayin’ is You Better Get Yo S&%$# When You Go!

Hiiii! *waving* Naima Simone here, and I’m one of the new chicks to Chick Swagger. I’m so freakin’ excited to be counted among these amazing women and authors! I feel like a rock star! Like Pat Benatar “Love is a Battlefield” rock star! 🙂

So, one night while watching TV aka brainstorming for the next book, a commercial came on that had me going, “Aw hell naw!” and rolling on the bed in laughter. ID Discovery has a show called “Karma is a Bitch”, and the next episode was all about a man who “repurposed” his ex-wife’s wedding dress.

When Kevin Cotter’s wife left him after twelve years of marriage, she left behind her wedding dress in their closet. When he asked her what was he supposed to do with it, her reply was, “Whatever the f*ck you want.”

Famous last words.

What followed was a blog–then book–about 101 uses for his ex-wife’s wedding dress. Hilarious!!

With help from his family, Kevin has used his ex’s dress as super hero cape, the boat sail for a pirate ship at his local miniature golf course, a hammock, a shower curtain, a jump rope, a go-cart parachute, a slip ‘n slide… The man is definitely inventive. And OMG, HILARIOUS!!

So it started me thinking… If my husband ever–EVAH!!–woke up one morning with a death wish and decided to leave me, what would I do with his most prized possession–his Mets baseball cap? First, I would have to steal it from him because he would never be dumb enough to leave it behind…

Then I would…

1. Pooper scooper – I mean, who didn’t see this one coming? I don’t have a dog, but I would go to the park at the end of my street and just volunteer to pick up poop. Oh, you don’t have a scooper and baggie? Well whatdya know? I have a 2-in-1! No, no! Let me!

Pooper Scooper

2. Bird feeder – We don’t have one of these either, but I would build one just for this purpose. All that seed. Feeding the birdies. And if they had to reliiiieeve themselves afterward, well…it’s nature.

Bird feeder

3. Flower pot – Forget Michael’s! How cool would a sports-themed flower pot be? Yeah, I have a black thumb–and I aint talking about the one I was born with–but when one plant dies, I could use the mulch for the next one. Look at me, all environmentally conscious and sh*t!

Flower pot

4. Dog frisbee – Again, not much for exercise, nor do I have a dog…but once more, I’m sure the park at the end of the street has a playful pooch that would just loooove to toss the ol’ frisbee around! What’s some teeth marks and drool if the dogs are having fun?

5. Lightning bug catcher – What else to do on hot summer nights besides drink lemonade with a shot of sumthin’ and catch lightning bugs? If a few get squashed in there, well…there are always casualties. And at least the cap will glow in the dark!

Firefly catcher

6. An ice scraper – We don’t get a ton of snow in the South but the past few years we’ve had some storms! And the bill of the cap would take care of that stubborn ice that covers the windshield. Better than a CD cover!

7. Athletic cup – Now I’m more of a dip-hand-in-bag-of-potato-chips-pop-in-mouth exercise kinda girl instead of running or aerobics. I like to work out my arms and hand-eye, er, mouth coordination. But for the cause I would take up baseball. And as I learned from the bicycle bar long ago, girls need cups, too. So I’d don me some baseball pants and the cap would become the protector of my pocketbook!

Athletic cup

8. Fanny pack – I know, I know. Who wears fanny packs anymore? But if Justin can bring sexy back I can bring The Pack back! Wallet, tissue, tampons, all right there… Seriously, I think we gave up on fanny packs too soon. We didn’t allow their full potential to peak…

9. Catch-all beauty supply drawer – I’ll be the first to admit I’m pretty sloppy when it comes to rollers, bobby pins, head bands, etc. So what a handy-dandy way to collect everything in one spot. Call me organized!

Catch all drawer


10. Soap dish – Personally, I think this is ingenious. No bars of soap constantly slipping off the holder and dropping to the tub, clipping off the corners. And it could actually hold more than one at a time! Imagine having a non-slip dish that holds two bars at once without them ending up a double-decker glued together by water, suds and funk?

This is a book deal in the making….

Soooo, what item of your husband’s (past, present, future) would you use and abuse in the name of repurposing?




  1. That was great! I laughed quite a bit with that one! 🙂

  2. ajnuest says:

    Oh my sweet LAWD! God, this post had me laughing the whole way through. That’s right, you’d better take your sh*t with you. Or that guitar in the man cave may just become a rake. Loved this, Naima!

    • naimasimone says:

      *bow* Thank you, AJ! ROFL!! A rake? Yeeaah, that’s a good one. Gotta get that yard work done! Hee-hee!

  3. Jerrie Alexander says:

    Just what I needed this morning. Coffee and a good laugh! It would have to be his boat. He loves his bass boat. Painting it pink would be a good start.

    • naimasimone says:

      Oh heck yeah, Jerrie! And bedazzle it! You have to bedazzle it! And then we could all take AJ’s husband’s guitar and strap it to the front for a figurehead! A 2-for-1er! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! You know, we are some wicked women…

  4. I wish you were here a year ago! Thats when I split with my husband and I very boringly either donated the stuff he left behind or binned it. How much more creative could I have been !!! Although I’m sure my wedding dress is still in my Dad’s loft ……

    • naimasimone says:

      Oh, Petronella we could’ve had a good ol’ time! 😀 LOL! And, uh, keep an eye on that wedding dress… *grin* Although, we could flip this and come up with ways for YOU to reuse your wedding dress. Oh snap. We’re on to something here…

  5. Welcome Naima! And what a way to come in, with a bang (and your own theme song!). LOVE it 🙂

    Hmmm, I’m thinking it’d have to be Mr. S.’s goalie helmet. A planter wouldn’t work, because he has a very green thumb…. So maybe more along the lines of toilet brush holder? Litter box? Or on Jerrie’s boat, we could use it as a bailer. Salt water would definitely do a number on the custom paint job. LOL, this is soooo much fun! Thanks for the great post 🙂

    • naimasimone says:

      Hi, Rachael!!
      Thank you for the welcome! And the theme song was a toss-up between Love is a Battlefield and Queen’s We Are the Champions. Pat Benatar won out because the dance routine in that video is still kick-ass! LOL!!

      LMAO, your husband needs to be giving you the same cross-eye mine is giving me! Those are some awesome uses! LOL! Jerrie’s boat, your helmet, AJ’s guitar and my cap for the fly-fishing net. Hahahahahahah!!

  6. You are so hysterical!! LOVE this! You brought back some great memories with your lightening bug catching moves. LOL Well done!

    • naimasimone says:

      LOLOL!! Thank you, Jessica! I figure use the instrument of revenge in a pleasant, carefree way. I imagine it would be very therapeutic. 🙂

  7. I wish you’d been here when my ex left his golf clubs behind. Oh the fun we could have had.

  8. Naima, what a fun post. Poor, hubby. Did he see you taking these pictures or only see the evidence afterwards? My husbands prized possession would also be a cap, though a different team. So if he ever ticks me off I’ve got my revenge all planned. Thanks for the ideas!

    • naimasimone says:

      Hi, Renee!
      LOL!! You’re so welcome! See? You didn’t know coming by the blog today would be so educational, like a self-help book. Hee-hee! Renee, my hubby was the one taking the pictures! Either he reeeaaalllly loves and supports me or…he was too scared to say no. LOLOL!!

  9. LMFAO, Naima!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That lightning bug catcher pic is THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

    What a fun post and so ironic because it’s actually my anniversary today. Fortunately, I’m very happily married so I don’t have to contemplate this overmuch, but if I were to pick something of Mr D’s it would probably be his windsurf board and sail…. Now…hmmm, this could be interesting and downright challenging to try to repurpose those. I suppose I could use the bottom piece for a big-ass ironing board and the sail as a kite (THAT would draw kids from miles around. LOL) I suppose I could also cobble the two pieces together to design a makeshift lean-to or cabana.

    Think I could get a sexy, oiled up dude to go with that? 😉

    • naimasimone says:

      LOL!! Yeah, the blog topic is ironic! But, hey, you could show him this and cut him a look that says, If you evah…evah, evah, evah, evah, evah even THINK about walking out that door…the windsurf board gets it! BUUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Seriously, though, congrats on 14 years!! You had me rolling with the ironing board and kite. ROFL!! Oooh and a sled! And the sail could be a shower curtain or car cover. We are devious, straight devious. Hee-hee! And heck yeah, I vote for the sexy, oiled up dude and the cabana.

  10. Welcome, Naima!

  11. Josie Matthews says:

    Naima…my sweet evil princess…you are the BOMB! This just made my day! And just LOVE it that your man is a MET fan living in the South!! We are seeeeerious Met fans living up here a stones throw from City Field! (Hate it…I miss Shea!!!) I tell all the Yankee fans ‘It’s easy to be a Yankee fan!!!’ My fav??? The Pooper Scooper!!! Just love the pics of you!!! So damn cute. If my hubby ever decided to take a hike, I’d have to say he has way too many caps to deface but I could have a ton of fun with his Mahindra Tractor before he got a chance to pick that baby up in the settlement…Think of the damage I could do with it (like bury all his shit) before I made it into a nice yard ornament complete with a flag that said “I’m single!!! Call me for a good time!!!”
    Great Post and so excited to have you all to ourselves!!!!

  12. Right now it seems like Expression Engine
    is the best blogging platform out there right now.
    (from what I’ve read) Is that what you are using on your blog?

  13. Great article! We are linking to this particularly great post
    on our website. Keep up the good writing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: